Brain maturity versus learned maturity

So first off, big applause, it's my first post in over 8 years! I know, I know, my fans are raving, which is limited to pretty much just me (and all the people I tell). Won't stop me from tooting my own horn, though.

This this is a 'daydream' topic, but I think most all of us have had the moment where we think "Man, if I could back to when a kid and keep all the maturity and intelligence I have now, how crazy would that be? I'd be good at everything!" Maybe that's just me, but especially since I've become a father and watched my boy struggle with things like focus and ambitions (he's 6, so it's understandable) the topic has popped into my mind. Like "man if I were out there at 6, with my current-brain, I could smoke all those 6 year olds at soccer, be a regular Pelé!" But it's fun to think about, about how you could capitalize on all the knowledge you have for your gain down the stretch, but how you would lose all these things in your life like your spouse, kids, friends, etc that you would have to hope would occur in your life again the same way they did before.

However, in studying out this topic in my mind, I began to wonder: how much would all of that gained intelligence and maturity and developed talent be hindered, obstructed, or wholly negated by the undeveloped and immature brain you'd be stuck with? The natural instinct is to be like 'yeah, I'd be like an adult in a kid's body' but I wonder now how it would actually work.
I'm not savvy on all the science behind the development our brain undergoes during our years maturing, but it stands to reason that a 6 year old's brain isn't capable of things like quantitative reasoning. But is that due to lack of intelligence? Or lack of the "required hardware" relative to the brain functions?

So then I'm thinking, if I took my intelligence and skills and knowledge back to my 6 year old self, would I even be able to capitalize? Would my 6 year old brain be limited in how it could apply information and approach a problem? Would it be more like a curse, akin to someone with Alzheimers who has a memory of things they could do, but a body and brain that is inconsistent in its ability to perform or completely unable to perform the task?

Of course, continuing along those lines, the next thought is to wonder how much of our talents and maturity already exists in our undeveloped mind and over time as our brain matures it becomes more capable of utilizing that talent, versus the idea of us 'building it' or 'developing it'. I'm sure it's more of the latter, I think that's what all the science suggests, but it's fun to think from the other perspective, that the talent and maturity is already there, just we cannot access it without the required brain capability.

While the idea of being an adult in a 6 year old's body and playing on a YMCA soccer team and smoking all those kids is indeed fun, I think it would actually be incredibly frustrating trying to translate thought into action with our limited 6 year old brain.

Beauty in strange places

Good golly it's been a long time since I made an entry. Hard to believe 2011 is come and gone already. Where DOES the time go...

So recently I've been speculating at the awesome power of life throwing you curveballs when you least expect them. Most of us fear the unknown, and understandably so. Change can be a scary thing. But at the same time, these changes can be so pleasant...so refreshing...and just plain beautiful.

It can come in the form of a job that you never believed you'd get. A job that is your metaphorical 'ticket' to a new life and new opportunities you believed long gone.

It can come in the form of a beautiful and amazing girl, whom you'd always thought unavailable and out of your league, throwing your emotion into a wonderful tailspin of risk and excitement with simply a few words.

It can come in the form of a poetic and artistic expression so beautiful and stunning you simply have to stop everything else you're doing and thinking about to even begin to understand the full potential.

Each of these things has happened to me over the last 2 months, and it makes me stop and realize I'd begun to forget that such surprisingly beautiful things exist all around us. It's difficult to always spot them out, or to grasp at the fleeting moments before they're gone forever.
Each occurance is just one more reminder to me that no matter how terrible or mundane life may become, there's always something new on the horizon. It may not be right around the corner, but it's out there.
I wish I could express myself more artistically, to help create beauty in the world around me. The talents of others blow me away sometimes, and I am left in the shadows of greatness I can never hope to match.
However, simply knowing that such amazing art is all around me if I choose to observe it is a greatly comforting fact.

I have to share a video link to the video that inspired this post and aided in spurring this thought process.

This artist is amazing, and I wished I possessed just one fourth of the talent and artistic expression he has.

As we enter 2012, I'm excited at what new changes life will bring. What new beauty is there to be discovered? I hope that all of you can share this sentiment.
At the risk of being horribly cliché: Sometimes you really do just have to stop and smell the flowers, and sometimes you just have to stop and let life remind you there are greater things at work than we can comprehend.

Memories: Adventures in DART-Land

While rummaging through old emails, I found this 'story' I'd written back when I was 16. I want to share it because as I read it, I realized the writing was very good for a 16 year old. Even now, I would be hard pressed to match or exceed this kind of writing. So I'll take it away!!!....
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Chapter 1

I awoke to the sound of my screaming alarm clock. Knowing it would have no mercy on my sleep-ridden body, I dragged myself lazily out of bed. It was six o’clock and I was tired. I begrudgingly pulled my clothes on and headed downstairs to get the awful morning taste out of my mouth. When I got downstairs and looked in the refrigerator I moaned remembering we didn’t have any milk so I couldn’t have cereal of waffles. There was no kool-aid either, which is what I normally use to get the morning taste out of my mouth. I quickly got out a can of soda and chugged that. It took the taste away but left my mouth dry. I grabbed my backpack and headed out the door.
As I walked to the bus stop I thought back to my instructions. The previous night I had called DART services to get the numbers of the buses and trains I needed to take to get to Irving, and what times I needed to take them:
"You’ll take the 582 bus, which leaves at 6:31 am, to Park Lane Station. At Park Lane Station get on the light rail heading to West Moreland and ride it to City Place Station. From there take the 409 bus which will take you right by Irving City Hall."
Sounded easy enough. So I was in pretty high spirits as I reached the bus stop. I sat down to wait for my bus. I had only a few things in my backpack. My CD player, my CD case, my internship papers, my bus instructions, and Harry Potter. I brought Harry Potter to make sure I didn’t fall asleep on the bus and miss my stop. But as tired as I was, I was well alert as the bus pulled up and I got on.
Also the previous day I had purchased a special sticker from Richland that they put on my school ID. This allowed me to ride all the DART buses and trains for free until September 1st. I showed my ID to the bus driver as I climbed the steps. He nodded and let me through. I’d never been on a bus before and I found it surprisingly clean. I took my seat and the bus took off again.

Chapter 2:

I was too afraid to take out my book for fear I might somehow miss my stop, so I just stared out the window at the sun, which was a soft color of gold and orange as it rose from the horizon. After awhile we pulled into Park Lane Station. I followed everyone else off the bus and onto the waiting light rail. I had my school ID ready but there was no one on the train to check it so I stuffed it back in my pocket. The light rail was a lot cleaner than the bus and was very orderly. I found an empty seat and slumped down in it.
Never having been on a train before, I couldn’t take my eyes off the passing scenery. The landscape rolled by and the train zoomed along. We went over a bridge, across a field, and through a tunnel. The train made stops every so often at other stations and I took these times to check the name of my stop again. I briefly noted the people getting on and off, but what was there really to look at? They were just people getting off and on the train.
"Next stop, City Place Station. City Place Station next." I heard the conductor say over the speaker system. We were just entering the tunnel so there was no longer anything to look at outside. I tried to see into the darkness but I could only see the occasional light fly by. We glided into City Place Station slowly. The station looked like a small cavern, being in the middle of a tunnel and all. I got ready to get off but I noticed no one else seemed to be worrying about getting off. No one in the station was getting on the train either as far as I could tell. The thought popped into my head that maybe we, the passengers, were supposed to get off somewhere else and the train was only stopping to refuel or something.
One thing I had noticed from the previous stops we’d made is that the train didn’t stop for long, only about a minute or so. I realized that if I didn’t hurry up and get off I’d still be on the train when we started rumbling out of the station. I quickly decided to get up and try to get off.
I walked up to the doors, assuming they had a sensor and would open automatically. It didn’t. What did happen was the train started again…abruptly. I lost my balance and thudded against the wall. I tried to act casual as I walked back to my seat. I don’t think anyone was buying it though, because I got a lot of weird looks. "Dang it!" I thought, as we pulled out of the station, "I’m going to miss my bus!"

Chapter 3:

I didn’t really know what to do so I went back to thinking as I stared blankly out the window. We were going into downtown now. I didn’t really know what I was going to do, so I just kind of sat there. We passed Union Station and something my parents had told me earlier flashed into my head. They had given me a brief explanation of what trains and buses to take before they has gone out of town for the week.
"It’s simple Derek, just take a bus from here on Forest and Abrams and that will take you to Park Lane Station. Get on the light rail and that’ll take you to Union Station. From there you can take a train which will land you about a block and a half away from City Hall."
Take a train from Union Station? But when I called DART they told me to take a bus from City Place. I wondered who was right, and if they were both right, which was faster. I tried to get off again at Union Station to check it out. When the train stopped I walked boldly up to the front door, thinking that last time it only didn’t open because the train was about to start moving again. However it did not open.
As I was standing there looking confused, as I’m sure I did, a teenage girl who had been watching me from a few seats back got my attention. "Push the button." she said. Of course I had absolutely no idea what button she was talking about. I began looking around for a button. I pushed what looked like a button but ended up just being a light, further adding to my feeling of stupidity. The girl saw my added confusion and came over and showed me, however I didn’t have time to push it because the train started moving again.
As I moped back to my seat I thought about what a stupid button that was. It was a little black button on a crossbar about waist level that said, "Push To Open Doors". It didn’t even glow or anything. Did the rail service just expect people to know how to open the doors? Anyway, I didn’t approve. At the next stop I hurriedly got off to make sure I didn’t get stuck on the train again. I looked around at the station and found that the next line that could take me back to Union Station wouldn’t come for another ten minutes. In that ten minutes I began to enjoy myself, looking out over downtown. I was amazed at how easily I’d gotten here.
The whole "not buying a car and just riding the bus everything" theory my Dad had frequently preached finally came into perspective. As long as you had a season pass, I guess you could call it, who needed a car? I mean, here I was way downtown and I didn’t have to do hardly anything! I was saving on gas and insurance all at once! Maybe I wasn’t saving on time…but it evened out. The train and bus systems are good, I decided. I didn’t have long to dwell on it though because the light rail came sliding in.

Chapter 4:

I got off at Union Station to check out if I could take a train from there to Irving. Getting off the stairs onto the station I noticed a stairway ahead of me going underground like a subway stair. "That must be where I get onto my train." I thought. As I started walking toward the stairway, the light rail pulled away, revealing the Trinity Railway Express, what I later found out was the train going to Irving.
I descended the stairs and entered a low ceiling hallway heading up. I started walking up the ramp. Suddenly a very awful and distinct odor entered my nostrils. The whole ramp smelled like rotting wood that someone had urinated on and had been sitting there for ages. I half-walked and half-ran up the rest of the ramp, entering into a much larger area that looked like a lobby.
There was a person here and there sitting down reading various papers and magazines. I thought at first they were waiting for the train that was supposedly going to take me to Irving. I looked around trying to find directions to the platform, or even the times when the train came in. I didn’t see anything though. There was a counter across the room, but there was no one behind it. I couldn’t find anyone that looked like they worked there who could tell me about the train.
I walked back down through the smelly ramp and back up the stairs into the station. The light rail going back to City Place was just pulling in, so I jumped in. I got off at City Place and luckily the next bus going to Irving was just pulling up. "Man, I’m pretty lucky!" I thought as I climbed into the bus, flashing my ID at the driver.
I was finally able to start reading my book, since it would be a long time before I had to worry about getting off. I didn’t really look up from my book until we pulled into a station. I didn’t know what station it was, but according to the street signs I saw, I knew it was close to City Hall. I didn’t know whether to get off the bus now and walk around looking for City Hall or just wait on the bus and see if we went any nearer. I decided to wait.
Fortunately the bus went right past City Hall and I was able to get off.

Chapter 5:

After explaining to my supervisor why I was late, she said it didn’t really matter to her. I knew she was right because the whole reason I was working there was to get two hundred hours for my internship course for my associates degree. So if I missed time I would just have to make up for it later.
She started me off watching one of the other interns while he worked. He was taking about one hundred and fifty images and having to manually resize them in Photoshop. The first thing I did was show him a technique in Photoshop where the system would go through and do the exact same thing to all of the images with one action. Not only did this save him a lot of time but the computer was working on it’s own.
So while the computer went off on its own, we got to talking. His name was Chad Powell (no relation) and he was only eighteen. He’d been interning there for about 2 years so he knew all the ropes. Since I showed him my technique, I was already on his good side. We had a lot in common and it was fun talking.
The computer eventually finished, but by the time he had to go so I didn’t really get to watch him do anything. After he left my supervisor loaded me down with a huge stack reading to do: tutorials, software manuals, and company statistics. Luckily I was reading at a computer station that was normally used by someone else. I browsed around the computer and found his 300+ mp3 library, so this kept me somewhat entertained as I read. The rest of the day passed slow and eventfully.

Chapter 6:

I finished my last book at around five o’clock and left. As I was descending the stairs from the building I remembered that I had forgotten to ask the DART representative the night before what buses/trains I needed to take to get back home. Not knowing exactly what to do, I just went and waited at the same bus stop I had gotten off at earlier that morning, hoping that if I got on it would eventually return to City Place.
After waiting for about twenty minutes I decided to go back inside the building and call DART and ask. Once inside I asked the guard at the front desk if there was a courtesy phone I could use. He said he was using the only one but he’d be off in just a second. From what I heard it sounded like he was talking to a friend. I thought it pretty rude that a guard who has free reign over the entire building would use the courtesy phone to make his personal calls…
He quickly wrapped up his conversation and handed me the phone. I called DART and they put me on hold to wait for an operator. I noticed the guard was just kind of standing there glancing at me every now and then. I figured he wanted to call back whomever he was talking to before and finish his conversation. After several minutes of being on hold, and not wanting to be a bother, I just hung up. I thanked him and headed for the door.
I looked back to see what the guard did after I hung up. He was walking off (to do more guard stuff I guessed). He was probably just making sure I didn’t steal the phone or anything. I felt slightly insulted but shrugged it off and walked back out to the bus stop. I hoped that the bus hadn’t come while I was inside. However, after sitting there for another ten minutes, it looked that way. I began looking around. I noticed a sign across the street that said "Trinity Railway Express" with an arrow pointing ahead.
Trinity Railway Express was the name of the train I saw when I checked out Union Station, I remembered. I started following the sign until I saw another one and kept following the signs for about two blocks and ended up at the train station. After finding out when the next train to Union Station was, I sat down to wait for it.
I got on the train easy enough and enjoyed watching the passing scenery out the window. It was easy getting the rest of my way home, but what an experience the day was.

girls girls girls

Okay this is something that I've experienced a lot over the last year, and no matter the frequency, it has never ceased to bother me, and I plead I'm not the only one.

So I dunno what it is with girls these days but most of the ones I've interacted with play games. I'm not sure the motivation, I'm not going to venture a guess, but it doesn't seem to matter the age of said girl, the maturity level, or actual stage of the relationship. They all seem to enjoy playing the same games with men. I'm going to explore two of these games specifically:

First and foremost,
The 'Hey' Phenomenon:
Why do girls think this is an acceptable thing to text a guy? All by it self, with no previous expectation for a text, or previous agenda at hand. A girl will just text you, out of nowhere, saying "Hey". It makes absolutely no sense. It has no foundation for a conversation, it opens no avenues of discussion topic, and it has no agenda. But almost every girl I've texted over the last couple years has done it to me.
As much time as I've spent wondering about the origins of this useless conversation starter, the best argument I've come up with for it's existence is that the girl is just trying to get your attention...in the easiest way possible. They want you to be thinking about them, but without the effort of thinking about something meaningful to text you about. So instead, they just opt to use the most simple of all conversation starters, indeed the first word of most conversations: "Hey", and then I guess they just hope the guy will fill in the rest.
Personally, if you ask me, it's pretty damn annoying and it seems awful lazy on her part. When a girl uses this on me, and texts me "Hey!" or "Hi" or any other meaningless one word text, all it says to me is: "I'm thinking about you, and want you to be thinking about me, but I have nothing meaningful to say and am instead hoping that you do."
I wonder if guys had to deal with this phenomenon before texting became big, albeit in other ways I'm sure. I like to imagine a scenario in the 1800s where some Beau was courting some Dame and their only correspondence was by courier because he's in some war and she's living at home in her daddy's mansion, and he goes weeks at a time fighting and thinking about her, dreaming about the next letter. Finally he gets one from her, and he's so excited as he opens it, and in that old 1800s cursive handwritten script is just the word: "Hey!". What a girl!

The second mind game,
The "Fake upset" syndrome:
This is something I think has maybe been around since the beginning of time, and like the "Hey" phenomenon, it seems to transcend all age/race/maturity/and social class boundaries. So you're hanging out with some girl, you're snuggling on the couch, let's say, and you're having a good conversation, just back and forth banter about whatever. You say something that could be slightly misconstrued, and she jumps on it. She 'acts' offended at what you said/did, and pulls away from you saying she can't believe you said/did that. Truth be told, she's totally faking it and though she may genuinely have been offended to some degree, it's not nearly to the extent that she's playing it out to be. So then she expects you to apologize, warm up to her again, 'beg for her forgiveness' over some issue that she wasn't even really offended about, she's just faking it to make a show over it and get your attention.
To be honest I've had several different girls pull this on me, multiple times also within the last year. Be it 'serious girlfriend', 'new love interest', 'flirting companion', or whatever. Why a girl would want to take a totally wonderful situation, in which you're getting close and flirting over mindless things, and then turn it into a hostile environment in which she's faking being offended? I just don't understand the motivation there! Is it fun for her to put her man in an uncomfortable situation? Is she trying to assert dominance? I don't get it, and I REALLY don't like it.
Like the 'hey' phenomenon strikes me as a 'lazy' thing, this strikes me almost as an 'arrogant' thing. It's pretty bold to assume your man will immediately apologize over a 'made up' issue =\.
To be completely honest I'd love to have some girl over at my house, snuggling with me on my couch, and then fake getting offended at something I said and having her pull back and sit a few feet away and fake pouting. I'd love to just get up off the couch and be like "Okay, you wanna play that that game? Well I don't, and I believe you can find your way out the door. Call me later if you decide I'm worth your respect.", and just walk over to the door and hold it open for her.

Granted I know there's some things girls are just going to do in relationships that are infuriating, but I feel like I'm perfectly justified in ranting about them, put up with them though I may. I'd love to have the luxury of NOT putting up with it, but let's me honest, I'd need a lot of girls throwing themselves at me before I felt good about ACTUALLY upsetting ones that were just faking being upset when I demanded they leave until they decided to 'grow up'. But a guy can dream right?

A reconciliation of my beliefs

So recently I've been going through and reading and rereading a lot of my writings from throughout the years. All of my blog posts (the significant ones), all of my family letters detailing events of my life, and old journal entries. It's given me great insight into who I am and who I've become. It's also given me insight into who I used to be and what I used to think about things.

What I've concluded is this: all growing up I had faith in God, in his existence and in his caring guidance in my life. I made references to these beliefs as recently as summer 2006 when I expressed in a family letter my belief that the Lord would help take care of my brother and I as we worked for the summer in Gary, IN.

However what I also found is there was a very distinct time in my life where I began to question everything, all aspects of society and of my life. I think some of these questions led to interesting and positive realizations, but I think some of them led to destructive thought processes that broke down my faith, the faith I'd always had.

What's significant about these observations is that while reading through blog entries and family letters during that questioning and cynical part of my life, I realized most of those thoughts and philosophies I expressed are no longer applicable to the way I feel now. I read them and I feel like I'm reading the thoughts of someone else, and not my own. Which further made me realize that while I went through that questioning phase, I still have strong core beliefs that have been resolute throughout that time.

So to pull a trick out of the US Supreme Court's book, I'm going to reverse some decisions expressed in the past that I feel are no longer a reflection of my person:

1) My statement that I believed God created us but didn't actively intervene in the lives of man. I now feel like I've known all along that He, in fact, does. Sometimes He makes it more obvious, but usually it's in subtle ways that only those are are spiritually attuned will take notice of. I feel like God has intervened often in my life, some of them I've recognized, most of them I probably haven't. I hope to one day be able to recognize the hand of God taking part in my life every day.

2) My statement that I was denouncing my belief in the supremacy of God's law. I now feel like this was a silly statement to make, as I'd previously expressed a belief in God but then denounced belief in his Divinity? Those are very obviously contradicting statements.

3) My expressed disbelief in Jesus Christ being the Son of God. I feel like this also was a silly statement to make, and that I've known otherwise all along.

I dunno, I'm sure there's more, but I didn't keep notes while I was rereading through old entries. I do remember strongly feeling like I was reading someone else's writings during most of them. What I most strongly know now is that family is the most vital element of both our temporary and immortal existences. I love my family so much and they have played and continue to play a major role in my life. I wanted to share a piece of a family letter I wrote summer of 2005 during which time I was about to move from Dallas back up to Utah on a short-notice decision by my summer employer:

"Know that I love my family very much and would love nothing more than to be able to spend time with all of them at least once a week, if not multiple times a week, but it looks like the Big Man upstairs has different plans in mind for Maretta and myself. I am a very strong believer that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason why we came down to Dallas for this program and there's a reason why it didn't work out and now we're going back to Utah. I'm just glad I got to see my family at least a few times while down here. When I think of all the people in the world who never get to spend time with their family, or worse, have a family they despise, it makes me realize how lucky I am to have a very loving and centralized family."

I dunno how many 19 yr olds you hear saying that kind of stuff about their family, and when I read stuff like that that I wrote as a teenager, it makes me proud. Proud of who I've always been and what I've always known. I know it will be because of family that I will dive headlong back into religion, whether it's my family consisting of parents and siblings, or whether it's my own personal family that I'm anxious to one day begin. There's is a love in my family that I feel like sometimes is indescribable. This is something I can perceive and feel in my immediate family, it is something I know. I feel like it is also a feeling I could know in regards to my eternal parents and my eternal family, and I want to be some day able to make that connection.

I don't know what's in the cards for me, either in this life or in the life after, but I know I am capable of great things, and I would like to extend my love and appreciation for all those who have helped or will help me to accomplish those things. I can only hope to do the same for those I love.

electronic cigarettes and the politics of innovation

Okay so what is it about smoking cigarettes that has made it so unpopular with the media and general population these days?

1) First and foremost, smoking is almost a guaranteed killer. Disregarding the fact that we will all die eventually from something or another, cigarettes are packed full of chemicals, tar, carcinogens and other things that make them generally unhealthy. These are the causes of things like lung cancer, emphysema and other health risks associated with smoking. Many federal and non-profit organizations report that as many as one half of smokers will die from smoking related illnesses. Their definition of 'smoking related' is besides the point. Smoking is just plain unhealthy, there's really no argument around it.

2) It smells. Cigarette smoke smell bad to most people. Some enjoy the smell of second hand smoke, but in general it's a pretty foul odor. Moreover, extended exposure to cigarette smoke can permanently damage many kinds of property, public or private, by creating a permanent odor of used ashtrays; in your car, in restaurants, your house, your clothes, etc.

3) It's expensive. With the taxes being constantly added to cigarettes, packs can cost up to almost $7/pack. If you smoke a pack a day, that's almost $200/mo, or $2400/yr. It's an expensive habit, that much is for sure.

4) It's trashy. The amount of trash and litter that comes from smokers is huge. Cigarette butts EVERYWHERE. Empty packs, wrappers, used up lighters, ash, etc. Quite plainly, it's a hassle.

5) It's a fire hazard. Smoking is banned in most public places these days. Not only because of the health concerns of second hand smoke, but also largely because you are holding an ember in your hand which, if improperly handled and disposed of, can very easily start a fire.

6) You could call this an argument but really it just leads back to the last 5, and that is that nicotine is addictive. Sure it's never good to let an addiction have power over you, but addictions come in many shapes and forms. The reason this addiction is so bad, is because of the other arguments listed. It'll be a drain on your money, it'll damage your property from second hand smoke if you allow it, you're unwelcome from most public places while smoking, and on top of all that it'll probably kill you. All these unwanted repercussions due to smoking.

Now, lets throw all those arguments out the window (well except for the addiction part). And with that, you have the electronic cigarette, as pictured above. The idea of the electronic cigarette is that it's designed to look, feel, and taste like a real cigarette, but without any of the negative repercussions of smoking a real cigarette. Basically it works like this. You have a battery which, when air is pulled through the assembly, powers a heating element (referred to as an atomizer) which vaporizes a nicotine solution which is then inhaled. Basic details can be found on wikipedia or for more detailed information, you can find assorted reports from both government agencies and online retailers. Ultimately, the e-cigarette is a solution to most of the problems created by smoking tobacco cigarettes.

1) E-cigarettes are said to be anywhere from 90%-99% healthier than cigarettes. Any carcinogens or TSNA's found in these 'nicotine solutions' is said to be present only in below harmful levels. All the chemicals that cause illnesses related to smoking aren't present in these nicotine solutions. That's not to say e-cigarettes are healthy, after all, nicotine is still poisonous and above certain dosages it can even cause death. However, e-cigarettes will not cause any of the usual health illnesses caused by cigarette smoke.

2) Since there is no burn, combustion or ember of any kind, the vapor produced is odorless and dissipates as quickly as steam from a boiling pot of water. There is no smell, and consequently there is no risk of property damage or general unwelcomeness.

3) E-cigarettes can cost as little as 1/4th the cost of traditional cigarettes. After the initial purchase of the rechargeable lithium battery and atomizer, the only non-renewable part of the assembly is the cartridges preloaded with the solution. A pack of cartridges (which is supposed to be equivalent to around 4 packs(or 80 traditional cigarettes) costs only $5-7, depending on the retailer. This is clearly the economical option.

4) With no burning components, no tobacco, no paper, and no filter, there is nothing to worry about when it comes to trash. Simply dispose of the plastic cartridge when it's empty and continue. No hot ash, no cigarette burns, no ashtrays, no lighters, no paper packs. Completely eliminated.

5) Again, with no burning components and no smoke, e-cigarettes pose no threat of starting a fire. As such, they are legally allowed in places where traditional smoking is banned, such as restaurants, airplanes, and other public places.

Yes, it is still nicotine. You can still become addicted to it. But if you eliminate most or all of the arguments against smoking, is the addiction still so terrible? Like I said, no addiction is good, but when comparing traditional cigarettes to e-cigarettes, it seems like an amazing alternative that both smokers and non-smokers can enjoy the comparative benefits of. Being that it's so amazing, why have you probably never heard of these? Or at least not seen much press coverage? Despite all the evidence, why is the government not backing these? I'll tell you why:

Politics, bureaucracy, and big business.

Obviously, there are serious interests aligned against the electronic cigarettes if the FDA can be persuaded to abandon its professional duty. Let's look at who is affected:

• the pharmaceutical industry, who sell nicotine replacement aids
• public health groups, who receive funds from the pharmaceutical industry and promote ineffective smoking cessation aids
• the tobacco companies, who could see their lethal products taking a hit if electronic cigarettes ever become really popular
• the American government, whose health plans rely on revenue from tobacco companies, among the billions generated in revue from taxing cigarettes
  

This is the first time I've really realized big business for what it is, and what kind of power it seems to hold over our government and media; and to honest, it's kind of frightening. When you've got a new product (I believe the idea is less than a few years old) that seems to rival that of a billion-dollar industry, why hasn't there been more coverage on it? I myself just heard about e-cigarettes this week and have been reading up on them fervently. Being somewhat of a smoker myself I tried to do plenty of research to see what these were all about. What, if any, health concerns did e-cigarettes pose over traditional cigarettes? What governmental acknowledgment has this product gotten? I've tried to look for non-biased studies and research, but it's been hard. Official statements from Big Tobacco companies have spoken against them and official statements from the FDA have spoken ill of them, but everything I've found from consumers has been overwhelmingly supportive of them. It's easy to see why Big Tobacco companies would want to crush this new rival, so I have a hard time believing anything they say, and it's easy to see how the opinion of the FDA could be 'persuaded' by all sorts of special interest groups, including the Federal Government itself, and so it seems like the only opinions I can trust are those of people who hold no loyalty to either, and just really want to evaluate the product for what it is. These are the people I've heard huge support from over the e-cigarette.

Already the federal government has tried to ban foreign manufacturers from shipping e-cigarettes from overseas, and are currently battling with domestic manufacturers. But why? The evidence I've seen and read is overwhelmingly compelling in the favor of e-cigarettes. There's definitely no way that they could be MORE unhealthy than traditional cigarettes, and the FDA backs THOSE. So why not these? It just amazes me, how our government can be bought and paid for like this. I fully expect to see further legislation against e-cigarettes by lobbyists of Big Tobacco and other agencies. I wouldn't be surprised if ultimately e-cigarettes were made illegal, for whatever bullcrap reason they will end up making. If that happens, they are basically condemning up to 50% of e-smokers to their death upon return to traditional cigarettes as their only option.


The worst part of all this is the realization that the e-cigarette probably isn't the first, and definitely won't be the last idea to be repressed from popular attention long enough to eliminate the product from the consumer market. What truly scares me is if this kind of thing can happen, what will the future of our country be? If our 'free market' isn't really free? Where do the possibilities end? If a revolutionary alternative fuel is innovated, will that idea also be systematically dismantled by the government and it's special-interest lobbyists? Has it already happened and the general public just doesn't know about it? What about in the health industry?
I think most people have heard the 'crazy' conspiracy theorists that speculate a cure for cancer has already been discovered but covered up; well I'm beginning to think those guys aren't so 'crazy' after all, and I'm truly beginning to worry about the future of our country's innovation.

If you're interested in additional/further coverage of e-cigarettes from government and press, go to this website.

young girls

Well it's been a long time since I made a post but I thought this idea merited some written organization.

I work at Chili's Bar and Grill and recently transferred to a new store closer to where I live. One of the other servers there, Madison, is very cute, very sexy. When I started working there she immediately started flirting with me. Not like, suggestive flirting, just unusual interest in me and stuff like "we should hang out sometime" this and "you're so funny!" that. She's 19 so I had my reservations about responding but she seemed interested in me so I wasn't going to say no.

I get her number and we text back and forth a bit, semi-flirty stuff. So I asked her out on a date, we go rock climbing, have a great time. To me it seems like things went really well, and I felt like we had some chemistry. So I start getting into this girl, thinking maybe things might go somewhere. I have a party at my house a few days later, invite a bunch of friends, mostly from work, and she comes. At the party she still seems kinda into me but I feel like I'm competing for her attention a bit, that annoys me.

After that I try and set up another date, but she's really flaky about it. I call, I get a voice mail, she doesn't return my call. I text, she says she didn't get it. I ask her out for another night, she says she's working. I try a different night, she says she works that night too. At this point I'm beginning to wonder if in fact she was interested at all? Because it seems to me if someone wants to go out with you, even if they're busy they will try to offer an alternative time that works for them. "No I work that night but I'm off the night after" etc. But no, nothin. So I send her a text "Do you WANT to go out again? Because I felt like we had some chemistry last time but maybe you didn't?"

She never responds.

And so that got me thinking. Obviously her not responding says it all. And I started wondering how I could've started falling for this girl when it was apparent to me now that she wasn't really interested at all. And then I started realizing that she's just a flirt. A flaky girl who feeds off the attention that all the guys give her and loves every moment of it. It may not be her intention to have guys think she's into them when she really isn't at all, but sometimes it's not all about intentions.

So then I started wondering if I should still work at it. Because *I* felt like she was a great girl, she met most of my criteria and from everything I'd seen so far, I really thought she was someone I could really get along with. But then I started getting indignant. Why would I try and convince someone why they should date me if they don't necessarily care to? That's just stupid. Life is too short to spend time waiting for someone to decide that you're worth their attention.

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a great guy. A girl would BE so lucky to date me. And I know that sounds incredibly conceited, but I have to give value to myself so I don't end up selling myself short. I'm not saying what I have and what I am is what every girl is looking for, but I do have quite a few desirable traits. I'm working on bettering myself by going to school, I work two jobs to support myself and enjoy a comfortable life style, I enjoy a broad range of interests from video games to athletics to music to puzzles, I have a good selection of talents, I'm tall dark and handsome, I'm responsible but also care-free, I bring almost no baggage to a relationship, I'm almost void of all drama, and more.

I have some undesirable traits too, but who doesn't. My point is, I have to give myself the credit I deserve. I can't be spending time chasing after girls who aren't interested in me, desirable though they may be.

They say girls mature faster than guys, and I think I can agree with that, until about the age 15. I think girls are 15 for 10 years, and then when they turn 25 they rapidly mature and realize their party-hardy attitude towards dating and guys for the last 10 years isn't getting them anywhere and they start to realize what will. I'm pretty sure I knew that already, hence my original reservations about bothering with a 19 year old. However I guess I was banking on the exception to the rule. Not all girls are flirty and indecisive for that long. Some, like my sister and my sister-in-law, shape up much earlier. I guess that's what I was hoping Madison was. But oh well. I'm not in any hurry to meet that special someone, and they say the person who is giving the least amount of special attention to finding love is the one most likely to find it. I'm too great of a guy to be chasing after bimbos. And a lot of other guys are too. These girls will lead us on a never ending rabbit chase, and we need to see these girls for what they are. If you're in the 18-25 range, don't be frustrated if you can't find a girl that doesn't play games or send mixed signals. Wait for a few years, or date someone older. It's just not worth chasing that girl who doesn't need you, you're better than that. Keep your chin up, there's someone out there who will love and need you just as much as you love and need them, and there is for me too.

ethics

I use my blog for all sorts of things, religious and political musings, expressing emotions, and to relate humorous stories and anecdotes. Sometimes, however, I just need to rant. For instance, my ethics class. I took Ethics this semester to fulfill my humanities requirement. I chose Ethics over Intro to Philosophy because I thought Ethics sounded more fun. Well I'm seriously beginning to doubt that assessment. The readings we do from the textbook are the only real meaningful content I get from the class. Everything else, the class discussion, the weekly papers, the online discussion, all a waste of time. At least that's my feeling so far.

This is a basic format of our bi-weekly classes. We come to class having read the assigned reading. The teacher starts at the beginning of the reading and starts to talk about it. Generally the chapters are analyzing philosophical and logical ways to look at things, and typically they used controversial topics to illustrate how these theories relate to important things. The discussion then goes in one of two directions: either the class keeps their focus on the ethical theory being presented in that section of the chapter, which leaves the room in crickets (my assumption is that most people haven't read it or don't get it, but sometimes there just isn't much to debate concerning the matter), OR the class ignores the ethical theory and focuses on the controversial topic being analyzed. It then turns into a debate not regarding anything having to do with ethics, but an all out argument over whether things like abortion and homosexuality is right or wrong.

Mostly I blame the teacher. I'm all about class discussion and debating class content with other classmates, but any discussion needs moderation, and if your teacher isn't moderating the discussion, things can get way off topic and out of hand fast. When I took my government classes, my teacher also used the same 'open discussion' method in teaching his class but he commanded the attention of the class, allowed only one person at a time to speak, disallowed people interrupting, and kept it on topic. He did a very good job overall in moderating the discussion. My Ethics teacher, however, does not. I don't care if she's hot, she's terrible at moderating discussion, and even if someone is just asking an open question, she doesn't do a very good job at addressing it concretely. Maybe that's just the nature of a subjective class such as Ethics, or maybe it has everything to do with the teacher. I don't really blame my classmates, even though I'm definitely annoyed by some of them. People are going to be loud and obnoxious and interrupt and try and dominate every topic, regardless of what class, the only thing that prevents that is a teacher keeping them in check.

Anyways, thats my rant regarding this dumb class, I'm not looking forward to the rest of the semester. I don't have high hopes for things ever improving. We'll see though I guess.

cleaning up the system

There's a flaw in the system. An outdated burden on this country that weighs each and every one of us down. I'm talking, of course, about pennies. Why, oh why, are these copper-plated zinc coins that weigh 2.5 grams each still plaguing our progressive society? I'll tell you why, taxes. Taxes and their darn percentages of percentages, taking completely reasonable prices such as $1 and turning it into $1.08, thus creating a need for currency between 0 and 5 cents.

Okay, I understand that back in the day, when pennies began to be minted, that 1 cent was quite significant, with basic needs like a loaf of bread costing 4 or 5 cents, a pound of flour, 8 cents. But I think we can all collectively agree that those times are dead and gone, but still the penny persists. Everywhere you go, every purchase you make, things are coming down to pennies. My opinion is that the penny, the smallest minted denomination of currency, is obsolete. And I'm not the only one who thinks so, there's been a lot of controversy over the years over the topic of removing pennies from circulation. I, for one, fully support this and am amazed we haven't done it already.

Imagine a world where all purchases were tax-included and made to constrain to the nearest tenth of a dollar. That's right, get rid of nickels too. Weighing in at 5 grams (only .6 grams less than a quarter and worth only one fifth the amount), they easily could use some doing away with. If all the coins I had to carry were quarters and dimes, I would be a happy sailor (or at least happy). Now enter a magical place, where all purchasable goods and services are tax-included and rounded to the nearest half dollar. That's right, I'm talking about the movie theater. Why this is the only establishment I can think of that includes tax on it's purchases, I'm not sure, but I like it. Don't get me wrong, I still think prices at movie theaters are simply ridiculous; through the roof; but it's nice not having to worry about menial amounts of money, like 8 cents. If all the currency I had to carry was bills and 50¢ coins, that would be even better!

All we need is a 'matyr' so to speak, someone to die to show the rest of the world how unnecessary and useless pennies and nickels are. Now where to find some poor sod to bury under a mound of useless metals.....lol

being straight forward

So I did something today that is somewhat out of my ordinary behavior. I told a girl that enough was enough, and pretty much to leave me alone.

There was this girl in my algebra class last fall that I would talk to all the time in class, we studied outside of class together frequently and talked on the phone several times about completely non-school related things. She was really cool and I probably would've really taken to her, except that I found out pretty early on that she had a bf so I never really let myself get involved. We were just friends the whole semester, and we had great fun in algebra class, my favorite class that semester.

We bumped into each other once the following semester, and texted back and forth a few times here and there to keep in touch. I enjoyed keeping in touch with her about how my other math classes were going, but mostly I was keeping up with the hopes that someday I would ask again about her boyfriend and she would be single, and that then I could be like "Hey, let's go grab dinner sometime, catch up." but no. A year later I get around to asking, hoping it'd been long enough, but no. She's still seeing the guy, and apparently they've been seeing each other for like 4 years so...yeah...that sounds pretty serious.

Well so that was the last time we sent text messages back and forth, like a couple weeks ago, and that's when I asked her about her boyfriend. Well, so she texts me again tonight, and she's just asking like, start questions. "Hey you, how are you doing?". And I'm all thinking, "why is this girl teasing me so?". Well I'm sitting next to my brother, and I'm all thinking out loud what I'd like to say about how she's totally taken and small talk is pointless and it's just confusing me, and he's like "well then tell her that". So I did. I pretty much told her straight up that I thought she was really cool and that if she wasn't seeing someone that I would be interested in taking her out, but aside from that, I wasn't really interested in trying to keep a meaningful friendship together when we aren't even going to the same school anymore, and that further conversation would really just be more or less a frustrating tease to me....which is true. Every time she would text me out of the blue wondering what I was up to and how I was, I would wonder.

But so anyways, I sent her those texts and she was kinda understanding. I could tell she was surprised at it, overall it was probably a slightly negative reaction, but I feel good about it in that I was totally straight forward with my intentions. I don't think there's anything wrong with only wanting to keep in touch with someone for the possibility of dating them. I have lots of friends, I don't need more friends, what I would LIKE is to meet a girl worth dating that isn't already taken and who doesn't play games.

I had lots of friends in high school that I was great friends with. But truth be told, most friends are situational. Situational in that you think they're awesome and you have great fun hanging out with them in the environment you met them at (school, work, church) but you just never really make the leap to an outside setting. Thus, once you split paths (change schools, quit your job, move) trying to keep up just seems forced. Some friends you stick with regardless of the distance, but most are come and go. It's not all bad, when you change settings, you make new situational friends. I have tons of friends at Chili's that I hang out with outside of work, quite frequently. I'd like to think that if I or they quit, that we'll keep hanging out, but I wouldn't be surprised either if we just slowly stopped talking. Life's just like that.

So when you have a girl that you really enjoyed hanging out with in algebra class, that's totally datable but taken, and she's texting you about how you're doing and what you're up to, do you try to maintain a forced friendship or to you be straight forward and let her know that unless there's a possibility of something more, that it's best to just leave things be and enjoy the memories? If you answered #1, you're a tool. lol

rollover topic

I'd like to extend the previous 'theory' or philosophy beyond family, because indeed it does extend beyond family. Those unreasonable feelings of personal accountability aren't just limited to parents. It can extend to anyone you really care about. And it sucks, because it almost always makes you look like an irrational jerk.

A few examples: last summer my best friend got married. The person he got married to and situation he married into, and the way in which he married, were all things I disagreed with, or to be more specific, weren't the way I would've done them...........but it's not about me. It took me a long time after he got married to come to terms with all that.

I've always held an image in my mind about how marriage should be, the way things are supposed to work. It was established by the way I'd seen it happen over and over in the world in which I was raised in. The 'world' I was raised in was almost entirely Mormon. My influences from inside the house were 100% Mormon, and the vast majority of all of my influences outside the house were Mormon too. It wasn't until I was 15-16 that I start going back to an outside school and was able to experience life outside of a completely Mormon influence, but by that point I'd had 15 years of Mormon influence that had already established and deeply rooted certain ideals in my brain. (Obviously that was the point). Anyways, very seldom in Mormon society do women have children outside of marriage, and very seldom do people get a divorce, both of which mean that very very seldom are there ever kids involved from a previous relationship or marriage. Also, Mormon weddings are really played up, very celebrated. Very seldom is there a marriage in which there wasn't an engagement, invitations, a reception, yada yada. So when this is what I expect for myself and from everyone else, and then my best friend marries a girl who has a kid from a previous relationship, and they don't have any kind of engagement or anything, it really threw me for a loop.

At first I was all "Wow, I can't believe you did that, you're crazy, this isn't right for you, you could do so much better" yada yada yada and so on. After awhile I started to realize that it's his choice and really none of my business, but I still didn't like it. Now I am realizing that I'm having those same feelings of accountability almost. I care for my best friend, and I want him to have the best opportunity in life possible, and I didn't think the choices he was making would lead to that opportunity. I felt like he was cutting himself short. I certainly must have felt responsible to some degree because I kept trying to talk him out of it the idea that his situation was 'okay'.

So in that case I was getting emotionally involved in someone else's choices that didn't really have anything to do with me. I was crusading my beliefs and morals on his behalf. It was selfish but me to fight him on the topic and to treat him any differently than I would have otherwise.

In any case, I've been doing the same thing with my brother, and it's unfair in this case too. He was really close to getting married to this girl a few years ago but things didn't work out. A few years later she comes back into his life but she's married to another guy and she has a daughter. She's on the brink of divorce and my brother is caught up in a whirlwind of emotion thinking back to times when he was in love with her. For a long time I've been fighting him on the topic saying he needs to stay far far away from her, that she's no good, that he needs to find a better girl, and so on. The same kind of thing with my best friend. I want only the best for him, or rather, what "I" think would be the best for him. But more and more I'm beginning to realize what I think is best for him and what's actually best for him may be entirely different. If she makes him happy, that's really all I should ask for. Having a kid from a previous marriage puts him at a disadvantage, yes, but if he recognizes that and is willing to deal with it, then good for him I guess, that's his choice. If he wants to start dating her again after her divorce, I won't completely fight him on it anymore.

And getting away from me, I've been victim to this kind of behavior before. I've explained what happened in a previous post. In my freshman year of college my room mate was giving me lots of grief for no apparent reason, and he later said it was because I was doing so poorly in my grades and being generally anti-social. He was holding his standard of living for me, and must have felt somehow accountable for my poor behavior.

In any case, this can really happen to anyone you really care about. You want the best for the people you love, but sometimes you just have to stop and consider that what you think is best isn't always necessarily what is best for them.

parenting

I came to some conclusions the other day that I'd thought about before, but hadn't given the time to reinforce. As always, I came to these realizations during a conversation with a friend, two friends actually (within a few days of each other).

The topic came up when I was describing to my friend how nervous I was to become a parent. When asked why I was nervous, I replied 'because there's no fail-safe method to parenting'. The other friend, after a lengthy analysis of how people raised their kids, asked me "How would you raise your kids?" "I don't know", I said. Both questions led to the same response. There's no fail-safe way to raise your kids such that they will do everything you want them to and avoid doing the things you don't want them to. There's no formula to follow to turn that impressionable and vulnerable little baby into a independent and successful member of society. There just isn't. No matter what method you choose for raising you kids, it's imperfect and flawed. You can do everything you thought was right, everything you thought a parent was supposed to do, and still not end up with the result you wanted. Realizing that, I think, is an important part of being a parent.

Knowing and accepting that your children will have huge trials in their life is one thing, but realizing that you are going to go through your own trials because of the decisions that your kids make, decisions that have no affect on you other than that it was a choice contradictory to what you taught them to make....realizing and accepting THAT...well, that's something entirely different.

That's what I'm nervous about. The struggles I'll inevitably go through because of the way my children choose to live their life. Not the "my 15 year old son stole and crashed my car and now I'm stuck with the loan" kind of struggles, I'm talking about the "I've taught him all his life what I thought was best and still he chooses not to listen" kind of struggles. The internal demons kind.

My friend was explaining to me how some things she chose to keep secret from her parents, substantial enough things that it affected the way in which she was able to interact with her parents and siblings. She explained that she avoided disclosing such things because of the social conflict it would cause, but that because she had to avoid those topics, it affected how she could interact, to a degree that she was unhappy with. Now, as a person who has always been very upfront with everyone about the type of person I am and what my ideas and beliefs are, including my family and parents, this behavior she was describing to me seemed entirely unnecessary. Yes, it's true, parents will suffer all kinds of grief and feelings of personal failure in light of certain actions their children may make, but I've decided that for parents to take that discontent and turn it against their child, whether it's blaming the child for making them feel that way, or trying to make the child feel bad for being the cause of such feelings, or by just acting towards the child in ways that are negative or detrimental to the family peace, is entirely and completely selfish as the parent.

I know for a fact that many of my decisions and beliefs have caused my parents sorrow, to varying degrees. But that's their problem. And when my friend said she didn't want to tell her parents about things she had done because she didn't want to hurt them, I told her the same thing, it's their problem, not hers. And by choosing not to tell them, she is taking their burden upon herself, causing her to be unable to be herself around her parents, for fear of disclosure.

Now, there's something admirable to be said about people who take the burdens of others upon themselves. According to the stories of various Christian religions, there was a follower of Christ who, when Christ was forced to carry his cross up the hill to Calvary, offered to carry the cross himself so that Christ wouldn't have to suffer the burden. It's an admirable thing, very selfless and giving, to do something like that. But it's important to understand who's burden it really is.

In the case of my friend, she is assuming the burden is hers. She assumes that because she made the decision, that the deceitful way in which she now has to behave among her parents us just another one of the consequences of making that choice. But I disagree. And this is the point I'm trying to make. Parents have many burdens when it comes to raising kids. The feelings of sorrow and failure will, almost undoubtedly, come in any parent's life as a result of the choices their children make. But the knowledge of those choices is their burden to carry, and to try and put that burden off on their kids through guilt, or on anyone else, is selfish. They're your kids, you're the one getting emotional because they are displaying behavior that is contradictory to ideals you hold for yourself, but not just for yourself, you hold those ideals for them as well, making you feel personally accountable for things that you might not necessarily be accountable for. Of course, there should be no logical accountability for your children after they turn 18. At some point you have to let go, and if you continue to hold on and feel accountable for them after that time, it's your own problem.

That's what I'm scared of when it comes to being a parent. It's all well and good to be debating the logical reasoning behind the actions people take, but the problem with being a parent is that the emotions are so overwhelming. When the time comes that I have to struggle with my own feelings of failure and sorrow because of the decisions my kids make, will I still be able to tell myself "this is your burden, don't put it on others"? Will I be able to own up to that burden and bear it? Will I even realize it for what it is? Or will emotions overwhelm everything and muck it all up, like emotions tend to do? Who knows. I have a lot of ideas about how I want to raise my kids, and still lots of questions, but at least this is one more thing I know to look out for.

hurricane ike was a disappointment...

It's been awhile since my last post, mostly because I haven't had any big epiphanies or any philosophical realizations recently, which of course has been the basis of most of my posts. Life does continue to go on though, and with it has come lots of stuff. To talk about life in general, it's hard to tell how happy I am with it right now. It's a new semester and my weaknesses are manifesting themselves as much as ever. It becomes my only source of discontent with the state of my life.

I'm talking, of course, about my disciplinary habits. Most easily notable in my sleeping schedule and study habits, as always. There's other areas of my life that my distraction and laziness causes problems, but school and sleep have always been the two biggest ones. At times I feel that if I can just get my sleep schedule under control, that if I can just muster enough discipline to regulate that one part of my life, that everything else would fall into place. I could be more focused at school, I would have more energy and drive to do the tasks I need to, and that most importantly, I would feel good about my life in every area. It's so tough for me though, when 11pm-12am rolls around, to make that call, and stop whatever I'm doing, and go to sleep. Ideally I would like to go to sleep at 11-11:30 every night and wake up at 7-7:30. But especially on the weekends its hard for me to go to sleep early, because I know I dont usually have anything going on the next day, and that it's alright if I sleep in. And then when I do sleep it, I usually end up REALLY sleeping in, because I DON'T have anything to do, or if there's things I HAD planned on doing, they quickly become extremely unimportant when it comes to getting out of bed.

I think back to earlier in the year, when I felt like I was in a really good place in my life. For about a month or two I really felt like I had things under control, and I think it all stemmed from me getting my sleeping schedule under control. There's something to be said that I'm sure aided to my success during that time, and as much as I hate to admit it because I love it so much, I had my account for my online game, World of Warcraft, deactivated during that time. It makes it seem like such a simple solution, deactivate World of Warcraft and life is good. But that's the problem, it's not that simple. Not playing World of Warcraft presents other problems.

By deactivating my account I end up with nothing to fill my free time with, forcing me to pursue alternate sources of entertainment, and whether that alternate entertainment is other games, going out with friends, or whatever else, it almost certainly proves to be a more costly avenue than World of Warcraft. I pay $15/mo for a subscription to that game, and it's about all the entertainment I could ask for, whereas during the time I had it deactivated, I was paying for a subscription to Blockbuster for unlimited video game rentals for my Xbox, which was $22/mo. It may seem strange that I would deactivate one subscription only to go to another, but it worked because so few other games are as entertaining as WoW. I would lose interest in them quickly, meaning I wasn't so eager during the days to rush home and play, effectively giving me more will power to do the things at school I needed to. But whereas that caused me to feel good about my disciplinary habits and scholastic and responsible adult life, I was often unhappy with my options of entertainment when I really did have free time.

In addition to cheap entertainment, WoW also provides an avenue for me to socialize with friends of mine that I don't normally see or get to hang out with because of 'geographical differences', so to speak. For several months last year I was able to play with my brother Spencer, several days a week. As it is now, we'll talk on the phone a few times a month, but it's nothing compared to tackling obstacles and sharing experiences together, albeit in an online video game. Recently I've been playing more often than usual because my good friend, James, currently has the luxury of giving some time to the game, but that won't last forever and he'll soon deactivate again and I'll be left to play by myself. I've been making the most of the time he has available, and it's been great fun. James is one of my great friends and since he lives in Idaho, I never see him, but I can 'see' him and 'hang out' with him online. Nerdy though it may seem, it's undeniable that online games provide a social avenue for friends to interact that they otherwise wouldn't have.

So there's that, my plug for online gaming. I think there's aspects of it that are important and fun and perfectly healthy. Cutting it out of my life entirely, though it may help in some ways, just doesn't seem like the cure-all option I'm looking for. For lack of a better analogy, you can take the drugs away from an addict but that doesn't stop him from being an addict. He'll find ways to get what he wants. You can take a miscreant teen who's mixing with the wrong sort of friends, and move him to a new town, and he'll just make new 'wrong friends' and continue in the same fashion. I can deactivate my WoW account, but I'll find other avenues of entertainment that may be equally unhealthy, albeit in different ways.

The problem then, isn't with WoW, it's with me. That much is obvious. Just because you cut out the visible tumor doesn't mean the cancer is gone. I need to just master myself, control my body and my emotions, all that zen stuff that like buddha monks preach and junk.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally camping on my computer every moment I'm not in class. I'm still much busier than I was Spring semester (when I only had 13 credits and 1 part-time job), and much much busier than I was last fall semester (when I had 15 credits and no jobs), so I spend an ample amount of my time during the week doing constructive things. Between class, completing assignments with deadlines, and my two jobs, I'm tied up for about 55 hours a week, give or take. So it's really not like I have tons of time to play, and because I so seldom have large quantities of free time, I try to spend that time with friends. It's just those few hours preceding my 'desired' bed time that I struggle with, and that struggle is going to be there regardless of my options in entertainment.

However, things have been looking a little up in that regard over the last week or so. Saturday morning I was up at 9:30, possibly the earliest I've been up on a Saturday in months, and Sunday I was up at 10, making it to church. Yesterday I was up at 7:10, twenty minutes before I normally get up for 8am class, easily the earliest I've been up since the semester started. But I know that while forcing myself to get up early will definitely make me more eager to go to sleep early, it isn't enough. I have to apply that extra discipline to both the 'going to bed' part and the 'waking up' part. I'm hoping when I get the 'going to bed' part down, the 'waking up' part won't be so difficult, and that when I get them BOTH down, neither of them will be difficult. Humans are creatures of habit, same as anything else on this planet. All I need to do is break my habit I've had for years of pushing the limit on my bed time and pushing the limit on my rising time, and start a new, more disciplinary one. Here's hoping.

my own biggest obstacle

I've discovered over the years, and am continuing to experience and feels things that support this, that when it comes to getting involved with a girl, I'm my own biggest obstacle. The reason for that is, I have a tendency to get way ahead of myself with any girl I start to like. I begin to think way further into the future of the relationship than it will probably ever reach. I begin to imagine how things would be like between us in a year, 2 years, or more. All this before we've even been out on a date. I tend to let myself get more emotionally wrapped up in a girl than I should, and because of it I make all kinds of special effort to facilitate hanging out or going on a date, or anything really. I'll attempt to rearrange my schedule, I'll push other things asides, I'll make myself available for no good reason. As soon as I begin to think that things might go somewhere, the girl jumps up to priority #1. And that's why I'm my own biggest obstacle.

Take this girl I'm dating now. I started liking her about a month ago. I asked her out. We've been out lots of times since then. She didn't start displaying any real signs that she was interested in me until about 2 weeks after the first date. During that time I'm emotionally reaching for anything, any kind of sign that I can rationally interpret to be her liking me or being interested. And it kills me. Even where we are now, I'm pretty sure I'm more emotionally involved than she is. I just want to lavish attention on her and speak freely about how great I think she is or how much I like her, but I know I can't do that because I'd probably scare her away. So then I have to consciously hold myself back. When I want to talk to her all the time and go out every night, I have to tell myself no.

It doesn't help that I'm usually not that busy. Other people have lots of other things going on, things to distract them from their potential love interests. I really don't have that much to do, or maybe I'm just more prone to think about the girl I like more often than the average guy. I just care TOO much. I sometimes wonder if it's just desperation. I'm not necessarily lonely at the moment, but I am still highly invested in finding someone to replace that best friend spot. Someone who needs me as much as I need them. And that kind of defines this weakness of mine I've been describing. I think at the moment I just really need that person, and so when someone comes along that passes my short list of criteria, I just get so excited that I overdo it.

I hear time and time again from friends, "Don't over do it", "Don't rearrange your schedule just for some girl", "Just go on auto-pilot and don't think about her so much". All suggestions of holding back and not putting so much emphasis on the girl. I wish, I wish I could do that. Again I say: I am my own biggest obstacle.

This last weekend has been kind of an emotional roller coaster for me. Erica and I went out Wednesday night, and we talked about some good things. We established that we'd like to start a relationship. That's huge news. Well, really it was me suggesting it and her saying her saying she'd give it a shot. That's kind of been the reoccuring theme in our dating so far: I am leading her down the road. She's not saying no, so obviously she's doesn't mind where I'm taking her. She's admitted to liking me, and so obviously she is following me to some degree of her own interest level. However she's still trailing a few steps behind me, which (given my weakness I've explained thus far) is beginning to drive me crazy. Anyways, it was Thursday morning that she reaffirmed that she liked me. That was 3 days ago, I should still be happy with that. But yet, it feels like it was so long ago. Clearly I'm still not convinced to a level that I'm satisfied with that she likes me. And I can't go to her about that to find out what her deal is, because it's MY problem. And she just left this morning to go out of town for a week. I was hoping to take her out Friday or Saturday night and kiss her before she left, and also to make our relationship official. But in a string of bad scheduling and unfortunate things, we never got to go out. I didn't even really get to say a proper goodbye to her.

So now, I'm in a place where I realize my problem. I realize the situation. The only question now is how to proceed. I've debated trying out a few tactics I've heard from friends, being more assertive and direct about dates, talking to her less, ignoring her to a degree, etc. Or I can stay the course I've taken thus far, which is probably a tad over bearing, and little TOO nice, and not quite dominant enough, however it's the course of action that has gotten me this far. I also wonder what kind of things Erica responds to. Mostly it's been emotional-level and social-level stuff between us, and like I said, she has more or less just been riding along. So then I wonder if she'll respond more to physical attention. As one of my friends suggested: Try and get the short-term game down first, then the long-term will follow if it's meant to. And I've made a post about THIS before too, about the short-term game being more physically charged than emotionally-charged. And that's why I have no short-term game. I've always only moved a relationship along on a physical level as I feel it's moved on an emotional level, or in other words I keep the two on a similar level.

In any case, I dunno, she's out of town for a week. I dunno if she can talk on the phone or get texts where she's at, we never really talked about it. So then do I be the first one to call/text her to see how things are going? Or do I wait for her to decide she misses me and wants to talk? I don't know...things are way more complicated than they ever need to be with me. Again I say: I am my own biggest obstacle.

success

Got test 3 back today, 96 is the verdict. I was very surprised. Very pleased, but also very surprised. Mostly because I didn't feel that much better about knowing the material than I did on test 2. I may well have, and that may have been the main factor in the difference in grades, but I can't help but feel like there must have been something else. My brother in law (who originally suggested I actually see him in his office to talk about my grades/concerns) mentioned that in Law school, you don't put your names on the test, you just use numbers, so that the professor can't make his grading personal. He thought that since they don't do that at Richland, obviously, that it could only work to my advantage, that if I were to raise concerns and basically let him know that I was very interested in doing well and was trying and wanted to know how to work harder at it, that he would take that into account when grading the test. This actually seems like it may have been the case. Or maybe I just knew all the material a lot better, or maybe it was something else lol.

In any case, now I don't have to drop the class! And you can bet I'm going to work my tail off to get a similar grade on both test 4 and the final. At least to get a passing grade in that class. I'm not taking this again. I like my free time, and my $150, thanks.

test 3

Quick update, I took test 3 today in my pre-cal course. This test will determine whether or not I drop the course this Thursday and have to repeat it in two weeks at the start of Summer II. I felt good about the test. I didn't study for it as much as I would've liked, and that's mostly my fault, but I still felt good about it. I actually knew how to do all the problems (unlike test 1) and I had time to complete all the problems (unlike test 2). I expect my best grade of the 3 so far, but considering even a 52 would be my best so far, that's not saying much. I need to get at least like an 80 to consider not dropping. I'll get the test back tomorrow or Thursday at the latest.

This teacher is still wildly frustrating. I went to talk to him during his office hours yesterday to express my concerns for my grade and the difficulty level of his course. He pretty much just disagreed with all my arguments saying it really ISN'T that complex and I really SHOULDN'T be having a hard time if I'm doing the homework. What a joke. I mostly wanted to see if he had copies of tests he'd administered in previous semesters covering the same coursework (an equivalent test 3 with different questions) that I could study from, to which he replied that he didn't keep old tests. Useless...

epic failure

My precalculus class is ridiculous. Ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous. The more I go to class, the more I believe that. What's ridiculous about it? The stupid teacher. The teacher is like no teacher I've had. He's not bad at teaching per se, but he is a bad professor. Unfortunately for him, teaching the subject isn't the only part of being a professor. There's also grading, communicating, helping students, curriculum choice, etc. He fails at pretty much all of these things, in an epic way.

Grading: This guy is the toughest grader I've ever seen. He has admitted in class he plans to count off points on anything he can. He insists you show all your work on tests. Correct answer+no work=0 points for the question. Correct work+wrong answer=0 points. But it doesn't stop there. On the first test I had a problem that was simple enough that I didn't need to work it out with any algebraic steps, I was able to logically solve the problem. I gave logical reasoning for my answer, but was still counted wrong because apparently he was looking for me to show specific steps (which obviously were unnecessary). On another problem, as I was solving it I was debating between two possible ways to solve it. So I worked through the problem both ways. I eventually decided on one way, which was the correct way and supplied the correct answers, but he still counted off because I left the incorrect steps on the page as part of my work. He has counted off for not writing 'X=' before the solution, he has counted off for not having a perfectly sketched graph, with lines not bending at exactly the correct curvature, but still passing through the key points. Etc.

Communication: He talks to the white board the entire class. Half the time he is covering up his work with his body, making it difficult to follow along. He insists on us knowing the hows and whys of every formula he presents, and spends 15-20 minutes proving each formula before presenting it. He insists we need to know the specifics of why these formulas work. I disagree. I do lots of websites as a means of side income. I use computers all the time, but that doesn't necessarily mean I need to know why or how a computer works. That doesn't mean I should spend all the necessary time learning the details and specifics of what a diode is or a circuit so I can understand how a computer works. I don't need to know those things in order to use it. I don't need to know why a math formula works, just how to use it. If I was majoring in math, or was intending to be a mathematician, I would agree with him that it needs to be learned. He spends at least 40% of each class period proving formulas and other mathematical facts.

Curriculum: His curriculum isn't terrible actually. He has 4 tests, and a final, and the final will count twice to replace your lowest grade of the original 4 tests, if it would raise your overall grade. That's pretty decent. However, the way things are looking, I may need 2-3 tests dropped. The worst part of the curriculum is he only allows 75 minutes for tests. For a math test where you have to show your work in a very concise and detailed way, that's not nearly enough time. On the last test I took, only 2 people finished the exam before time was up. No one else had time to complete the test. He insists that math is not only about knowing how to do the problem, but also about how fast you can do it and further insists that his time limits are enough time to complete the test if we 'know the material'. Personally, I think that's a load of crap. I can tell you I knew the material on that test. It's one thing to take a long time on a problem because you aren't sure how to do it, and it's another thing to take a long time on a problem because it's just that type of problem, regardless of how well you know how to do it.

I didn't study or do any of the home work for the first test, as a point of gaging how tough the course would be. I got a 45 on that test. Out of the 5-6 people I talked to (15 in the class), none of them got a higher grade than me. Oooookay, gotta try harder. So I buy the book, do the homework, stop falling asleep in class, pay attention, and try hard to keep track of the kinds of minute details he is looking for on the tests. Second test...I get a 51. The professor acts surprised that there's so many low scores (I'm sure...like he isn't used to people failing/dropping his classes). Test 3 comes before the drop date next week, so I'll be able to take that and if I still fail it, I'll have to drop the class.

It's just stupid. I've gotten A's in both algebra and trigonometry before this, in trig I got 100s on all the tests but the final. It's not the material I'm struggling with, and that's the worst part. The only thing standing between me and an A in this class is this stupid ridiculous teacher. The problems in the homework are all simple problems, straight forward, sometimes a little complicated but still easy. The problems on the test are like the most deviously constructed and are as far from simple as you can get. This teacher isn't trying to teach us precalculus I've decided. He's just trying to fail us all with his stupid questions, his horribly picky grading, and his incredibly boring classes. This guy is more worried about the red tape of precal than the concept of it. He's the bureaucrat of the math world. He's the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law. Only thing is, he's teaching us the spirit of the law, but grading us on the letter of the law. He's an idiot. Having to drop his class and retake precal in summer 2 is the very last thing I want to do, but I'm not sure I can pass this class. I don't even know what to improve on. I totally understand the material, I'm very comfortable with it, but the test questions are overly complicated and unclear sometimes. And it's not like its even just me. Like I said, almost everyone else I've talked to in that class is failing. If it was just me I would know that there was something I could do to make up my poor performance, but if it's 80% of the class, you have to wonder at the teacher.

Usually near the end of the semester, the school will have the students fill out anonymous reports on the performance of the teacher. I'm hoping these go out before the drop date, or that I can get a good enough grade on the third test that I don't have to drop it, so that I can give him the worst possible review I can, along with everyone else in the class that's failing. Far as I know, only 3-4 people tops, are passing. I would be very interested to know what the pass-rate of this class is, or even his average pass-rate for all this classes. I would bet it's below 30%. What a dick....

mood: miserable

I rarely blog about my feelings. I blog often about events or my thoughts and ideas, but rarely do I write about my own feelings. The purpose of this post isn't to gain pity or sympathy or whatever, in fact I want none of those things. The only purpose of this post is to put my feelings into words, because I find I express myself best and come to an enlightened state of understanding concerning my own feelings and thoughts when I put them to words. But not only that, I have to write as though I'm explaining it to someone, because ultimately I am, to myself. If I write as though no one else were going to read it, I might as well stick to just my thoughts because it comes out just as disorganized and muddled as it is in my head, but when I explain things to people whether in person or in writing, I feel a sense of clarity come over me that often leaves even me surprised due to the resulting insight. Thus is the preliminary to this post.

Last night I made possibly the biggest mistake I've made in a long time. As with all mistakes, full recognition of the consequences and impact of the decision didn't come until later, or today. I brought and consumed alcohol in my brother and sister-in-law's house. And not only that, I let it get out of hand enough that William, who I was drinking with, ended up getting sick over it and had to stay the night instead of driving home. When I got home from school today Kisty brought it up. Honestly she didn't need to say anything beyond "I know what happened last night and I'm disappointed" for me to realize in full what kind of decision it was. Not that she said much more beyond that anyways, for all her attitude and spunk she's awful non-confrontational and actually apologized to me a few times while discussing it, which I was quick to disallow. At the moment, I just feel miserable. She said it perfectly right when she asked "What were you thinking? I thought you knew better." and really I don't have an answer to it, and I should have known better. They've allowed me to be a guest in their house, a house they try very hard to maintain a certain degree of civil and religious standards in, and last night I knowingly acted against those standards. There's no excuse for it, I know that. Regardless of whose idea it was, or who (between William and I) was the one acting more irresponsibly, it all comes down on me
, and really it should. I just....I feel terrible, like there's this heavy blanket of guilt thats suffocating me. I feel like I need to get out of this house...as though the house itself is disappointed.
Eddie is out of town on a high adventure trip, and of course he needs to know what happened. Kisty was nice enough to allow me to explain it to him first. I have no intention of down playing it, or omitting details, least of all lying about anything. Personally I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to move out, but if this guilt persists I may end up preempting that decision and moving out myself. I don't feel bad for the drinking, or even for allowing William to drink himself sick, those are things I'm okay with. It's all about location, location, location. It takes a long time to build trust with people and in one night I've shattered months of established trust, probably more. I think the worst part about it is how painfully obvious it is to me now how bad of a decision it was and that it didn't even really occur to me last night. I feel toxic...as though I've been infected with a disease I know I can't get rid of...