It's been awhile since my last post, mostly because I haven't had any big epiphanies or any philosophical realizations recently, which of course has been the basis of most of my posts. Life does continue to go on though, and with it has come lots of stuff. To talk about life in general, it's hard to tell how happy I am with it right now. It's a new semester and my weaknesses are manifesting themselves as much as ever. It becomes my only source of discontent with the state of my life.
I'm talking, of course, about my disciplinary habits. Most easily notable in my sleeping schedule and study habits, as always. There's other areas of my life that my distraction and laziness causes problems, but school and sleep have always been the two biggest ones. At times I feel that if I can just get my sleep schedule under control, that if I can just muster enough discipline to regulate that one part of my life, that everything else would fall into place. I could be more focused at school, I would have more energy and drive to do the tasks I need to, and that most importantly, I would feel good about my life in every area. It's so tough for me though, when 11pm-12am rolls around, to make that call, and stop whatever I'm doing, and go to sleep. Ideally I would like to go to sleep at 11-11:30 every night and wake up at 7-7:30. But especially on the weekends its hard for me to go to sleep early, because I know I dont usually have anything going on the next day, and that it's alright if I sleep in. And then when I do sleep it, I usually end up REALLY sleeping in, because I DON'T have anything to do, or if there's things I HAD planned on doing, they quickly become extremely unimportant when it comes to getting out of bed.
I think back to earlier in the year, when I felt like I was in a really good place in my life. For about a month or two I really felt like I had things under control, and I think it all stemmed from me getting my sleeping schedule under control. There's something to be said that I'm sure aided to my success during that time, and as much as I hate to admit it because I love it so much, I had my account for my online game, World of Warcraft, deactivated during that time. It makes it seem like such a simple solution, deactivate World of Warcraft and life is good. But that's the problem, it's not that simple. Not playing World of Warcraft presents other problems.
By deactivating my account I end up with nothing to fill my free time with, forcing me to pursue alternate sources of entertainment, and whether that alternate entertainment is other games, going out with friends, or whatever else, it almost certainly proves to be a more costly avenue than World of Warcraft. I pay $15/mo for a subscription to that game, and it's about all the entertainment I could ask for, whereas during the time I had it deactivated, I was paying for a subscription to Blockbuster for unlimited video game rentals for my Xbox, which was $22/mo. It may seem strange that I would deactivate one subscription only to go to another, but it worked because so few other games are as entertaining as WoW. I would lose interest in them quickly, meaning I wasn't so eager during the days to rush home and play, effectively giving me more will power to do the things at school I needed to. But whereas that caused me to feel good about my disciplinary habits and scholastic and responsible adult life, I was often unhappy with my options of entertainment when I really did have free time.
In addition to cheap entertainment, WoW also provides an avenue for me to socialize with friends of mine that I don't normally see or get to hang out with because of 'geographical differences', so to speak. For several months last year I was able to play with my brother Spencer, several days a week. As it is now, we'll talk on the phone a few times a month, but it's nothing compared to tackling obstacles and sharing experiences together, albeit in an online video game. Recently I've been playing more often than usual because my good friend, James, currently has the luxury of giving some time to the game, but that won't last forever and he'll soon deactivate again and I'll be left to play by myself. I've been making the most of the time he has available, and it's been great fun. James is one of my great friends and since he lives in Idaho, I never see him, but I can 'see' him and 'hang out' with him online. Nerdy though it may seem, it's undeniable that online games provide a social avenue for friends to interact that they otherwise wouldn't have.
So there's that, my plug for online gaming. I think there's aspects of it that are important and fun and perfectly healthy. Cutting it out of my life entirely, though it may help in some ways, just doesn't seem like the cure-all option I'm looking for. For lack of a better analogy, you can take the drugs away from an addict but that doesn't stop him from being an addict. He'll find ways to get what he wants. You can take a miscreant teen who's mixing with the wrong sort of friends, and move him to a new town, and he'll just make new 'wrong friends' and continue in the same fashion. I can deactivate my WoW account, but I'll find other avenues of entertainment that may be equally unhealthy, albeit in different ways.
The problem then, isn't with WoW, it's with me. That much is obvious. Just because you cut out the visible tumor doesn't mean the cancer is gone. I need to just master myself, control my body and my emotions, all that zen stuff that like buddha monks preach and junk.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally camping on my computer every moment I'm not in class. I'm still much busier than I was Spring semester (when I only had 13 credits and 1 part-time job), and much much busier than I was last fall semester (when I had 15 credits and no jobs), so I spend an ample amount of my time during the week doing constructive things. Between class, completing assignments with deadlines, and my two jobs, I'm tied up for about 55 hours a week, give or take. So it's really not like I have tons of time to play, and because I so seldom have large quantities of free time, I try to spend that time with friends. It's just those few hours preceding my 'desired' bed time that I struggle with, and that struggle is going to be there regardless of my options in entertainment.
However, things have been looking a little up in that regard over the last week or so. Saturday morning I was up at 9:30, possibly the earliest I've been up on a Saturday in months, and Sunday I was up at 10, making it to church. Yesterday I was up at 7:10, twenty minutes before I normally get up for 8am class, easily the earliest I've been up since the semester started. But I know that while forcing myself to get up early will definitely make me more eager to go to sleep early, it isn't enough. I have to apply that extra discipline to both the 'going to bed' part and the 'waking up' part. I'm hoping when I get the 'going to bed' part down, the 'waking up' part won't be so difficult, and that when I get them BOTH down, neither of them will be difficult. Humans are creatures of habit, same as anything else on this planet. All I need to do is break my habit I've had for years of pushing the limit on my bed time and pushing the limit on my rising time, and start a new, more disciplinary one. Here's hoping.
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