Monday, December 22, 2008

cleaning up the system

There's a flaw in the system. An outdated burden on this country that weighs each and every one of us down. I'm talking, of course, about pennies. Why, oh why, are these copper-plated zinc coins that weigh 2.5 grams each still plaguing our progressive society? I'll tell you why, taxes. Taxes and their darn percentages of percentages, taking completely reasonable prices such as $1 and turning it into $1.08, thus creating a need for currency between 0 and 5 cents.

Okay, I understand that back in the day, when pennies began to be minted, that 1 cent was quite significant, with basic needs like a loaf of bread costing 4 or 5 cents, a pound of flour, 8 cents. But I think we can all collectively agree that those times are dead and gone, but still the penny persists. Everywhere you go, every purchase you make, things are coming down to pennies. My opinion is that the penny, the smallest minted denomination of currency, is obsolete. And I'm not the only one who thinks so, there's been a lot of controversy over the years over the topic of removing pennies from circulation. I, for one, fully support this and am amazed we haven't done it already.

Imagine a world where all purchases were tax-included and made to constrain to the nearest tenth of a dollar. That's right, get rid of nickels too. Weighing in at 5 grams (only .6 grams less than a quarter and worth only one fifth the amount), they easily could use some doing away with. If all the coins I had to carry were quarters and dimes, I would be a happy sailor (or at least happy). Now enter a magical place, where all purchasable goods and services are tax-included and rounded to the nearest half dollar. That's right, I'm talking about the movie theater. Why this is the only establishment I can think of that includes tax on it's purchases, I'm not sure, but I like it. Don't get me wrong, I still think prices at movie theaters are simply ridiculous; through the roof; but it's nice not having to worry about menial amounts of money, like 8 cents. If all the currency I had to carry was bills and 50¢ coins, that would be even better!

All we need is a 'matyr' so to speak, someone to die to show the rest of the world how unnecessary and useless pennies and nickels are. Now where to find some poor sod to bury under a mound of useless metals.....lol

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

being straight forward

So I did something today that is somewhat out of my ordinary behavior. I told a girl that enough was enough, and pretty much to leave me alone.

There was this girl in my algebra class last fall that I would talk to all the time in class, we studied outside of class together frequently and talked on the phone several times about completely non-school related things. She was really cool and I probably would've really taken to her, except that I found out pretty early on that she had a bf so I never really let myself get involved. We were just friends the whole semester, and we had great fun in algebra class, my favorite class that semester.

We bumped into each other once the following semester, and texted back and forth a few times here and there to keep in touch. I enjoyed keeping in touch with her about how my other math classes were going, but mostly I was keeping up with the hopes that someday I would ask again about her boyfriend and she would be single, and that then I could be like "Hey, let's go grab dinner sometime, catch up." but no. A year later I get around to asking, hoping it'd been long enough, but no. She's still seeing the guy, and apparently they've been seeing each other for like 4 years so...yeah...that sounds pretty serious.

Well so that was the last time we sent text messages back and forth, like a couple weeks ago, and that's when I asked her about her boyfriend. Well, so she texts me again tonight, and she's just asking like, start questions. "Hey you, how are you doing?". And I'm all thinking, "why is this girl teasing me so?". Well I'm sitting next to my brother, and I'm all thinking out loud what I'd like to say about how she's totally taken and small talk is pointless and it's just confusing me, and he's like "well then tell her that". So I did. I pretty much told her straight up that I thought she was really cool and that if she wasn't seeing someone that I would be interested in taking her out, but aside from that, I wasn't really interested in trying to keep a meaningful friendship together when we aren't even going to the same school anymore, and that further conversation would really just be more or less a frustrating tease to me....which is true. Every time she would text me out of the blue wondering what I was up to and how I was, I would wonder.

But so anyways, I sent her those texts and she was kinda understanding. I could tell she was surprised at it, overall it was probably a slightly negative reaction, but I feel good about it in that I was totally straight forward with my intentions. I don't think there's anything wrong with only wanting to keep in touch with someone for the possibility of dating them. I have lots of friends, I don't need more friends, what I would LIKE is to meet a girl worth dating that isn't already taken and who doesn't play games.

I had lots of friends in high school that I was great friends with. But truth be told, most friends are situational. Situational in that you think they're awesome and you have great fun hanging out with them in the environment you met them at (school, work, church) but you just never really make the leap to an outside setting. Thus, once you split paths (change schools, quit your job, move) trying to keep up just seems forced. Some friends you stick with regardless of the distance, but most are come and go. It's not all bad, when you change settings, you make new situational friends. I have tons of friends at Chili's that I hang out with outside of work, quite frequently. I'd like to think that if I or they quit, that we'll keep hanging out, but I wouldn't be surprised either if we just slowly stopped talking. Life's just like that.

So when you have a girl that you really enjoyed hanging out with in algebra class, that's totally datable but taken, and she's texting you about how you're doing and what you're up to, do you try to maintain a forced friendship or to you be straight forward and let her know that unless there's a possibility of something more, that it's best to just leave things be and enjoy the memories? If you answered #1, you're a tool. lol

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

rollover topic

I'd like to extend the previous 'theory' or philosophy beyond family, because indeed it does extend beyond family. Those unreasonable feelings of personal accountability aren't just limited to parents. It can extend to anyone you really care about. And it sucks, because it almost always makes you look like an irrational jerk.

A few examples: last summer my best friend got married. The person he got married to and situation he married into, and the way in which he married, were all things I disagreed with, or to be more specific, weren't the way I would've done them...........but it's not about me. It took me a long time after he got married to come to terms with all that.

I've always held an image in my mind about how marriage should be, the way things are supposed to work. It was established by the way I'd seen it happen over and over in the world in which I was raised in. The 'world' I was raised in was almost entirely Mormon. My influences from inside the house were 100% Mormon, and the vast majority of all of my influences outside the house were Mormon too. It wasn't until I was 15-16 that I start going back to an outside school and was able to experience life outside of a completely Mormon influence, but by that point I'd had 15 years of Mormon influence that had already established and deeply rooted certain ideals in my brain. (Obviously that was the point). Anyways, very seldom in Mormon society do women have children outside of marriage, and very seldom do people get a divorce, both of which mean that very very seldom are there ever kids involved from a previous relationship or marriage. Also, Mormon weddings are really played up, very celebrated. Very seldom is there a marriage in which there wasn't an engagement, invitations, a reception, yada yada. So when this is what I expect for myself and from everyone else, and then my best friend marries a girl who has a kid from a previous relationship, and they don't have any kind of engagement or anything, it really threw me for a loop.

At first I was all "Wow, I can't believe you did that, you're crazy, this isn't right for you, you could do so much better" yada yada yada and so on. After awhile I started to realize that it's his choice and really none of my business, but I still didn't like it. Now I am realizing that I'm having those same feelings of accountability almost. I care for my best friend, and I want him to have the best opportunity in life possible, and I didn't think the choices he was making would lead to that opportunity. I felt like he was cutting himself short. I certainly must have felt responsible to some degree because I kept trying to talk him out of it the idea that his situation was 'okay'.

So in that case I was getting emotionally involved in someone else's choices that didn't really have anything to do with me. I was crusading my beliefs and morals on his behalf. It was selfish but me to fight him on the topic and to treat him any differently than I would have otherwise.

In any case, I've been doing the same thing with my brother, and it's unfair in this case too. He was really close to getting married to this girl a few years ago but things didn't work out. A few years later she comes back into his life but she's married to another guy and she has a daughter. She's on the brink of divorce and my brother is caught up in a whirlwind of emotion thinking back to times when he was in love with her. For a long time I've been fighting him on the topic saying he needs to stay far far away from her, that she's no good, that he needs to find a better girl, and so on. The same kind of thing with my best friend. I want only the best for him, or rather, what "I" think would be the best for him. But more and more I'm beginning to realize what I think is best for him and what's actually best for him may be entirely different. If she makes him happy, that's really all I should ask for. Having a kid from a previous marriage puts him at a disadvantage, yes, but if he recognizes that and is willing to deal with it, then good for him I guess, that's his choice. If he wants to start dating her again after her divorce, I won't completely fight him on it anymore.

And getting away from me, I've been victim to this kind of behavior before. I've explained what happened in a previous post. In my freshman year of college my room mate was giving me lots of grief for no apparent reason, and he later said it was because I was doing so poorly in my grades and being generally anti-social. He was holding his standard of living for me, and must have felt somehow accountable for my poor behavior.

In any case, this can really happen to anyone you really care about. You want the best for the people you love, but sometimes you just have to stop and consider that what you think is best isn't always necessarily what is best for them.

parenting

I came to some conclusions the other day that I'd thought about before, but hadn't given the time to reinforce. As always, I came to these realizations during a conversation with a friend, two friends actually (within a few days of each other).

The topic came up when I was describing to my friend how nervous I was to become a parent. When asked why I was nervous, I replied 'because there's no fail-safe method to parenting'. The other friend, after a lengthy analysis of how people raised their kids, asked me "How would you raise your kids?" "I don't know", I said. Both questions led to the same response. There's no fail-safe way to raise your kids such that they will do everything you want them to and avoid doing the things you don't want them to. There's no formula to follow to turn that impressionable and vulnerable little baby into a independent and successful member of society. There just isn't. No matter what method you choose for raising you kids, it's imperfect and flawed. You can do everything you thought was right, everything you thought a parent was supposed to do, and still not end up with the result you wanted. Realizing that, I think, is an important part of being a parent.

Knowing and accepting that your children will have huge trials in their life is one thing, but realizing that you are going to go through your own trials because of the decisions that your kids make, decisions that have no affect on you other than that it was a choice contradictory to what you taught them to make....realizing and accepting THAT...well, that's something entirely different.

That's what I'm nervous about. The struggles I'll inevitably go through because of the way my children choose to live their life. Not the "my 15 year old son stole and crashed my car and now I'm stuck with the loan" kind of struggles, I'm talking about the "I've taught him all his life what I thought was best and still he chooses not to listen" kind of struggles. The internal demons kind.

My friend was explaining to me how some things she chose to keep secret from her parents, substantial enough things that it affected the way in which she was able to interact with her parents and siblings. She explained that she avoided disclosing such things because of the social conflict it would cause, but that because she had to avoid those topics, it affected how she could interact, to a degree that she was unhappy with. Now, as a person who has always been very upfront with everyone about the type of person I am and what my ideas and beliefs are, including my family and parents, this behavior she was describing to me seemed entirely unnecessary. Yes, it's true, parents will suffer all kinds of grief and feelings of personal failure in light of certain actions their children may make, but I've decided that for parents to take that discontent and turn it against their child, whether it's blaming the child for making them feel that way, or trying to make the child feel bad for being the cause of such feelings, or by just acting towards the child in ways that are negative or detrimental to the family peace, is entirely and completely selfish as the parent.

I know for a fact that many of my decisions and beliefs have caused my parents sorrow, to varying degrees. But that's their problem. And when my friend said she didn't want to tell her parents about things she had done because she didn't want to hurt them, I told her the same thing, it's their problem, not hers. And by choosing not to tell them, she is taking their burden upon herself, causing her to be unable to be herself around her parents, for fear of disclosure.

Now, there's something admirable to be said about people who take the burdens of others upon themselves. According to the stories of various Christian religions, there was a follower of Christ who, when Christ was forced to carry his cross up the hill to Calvary, offered to carry the cross himself so that Christ wouldn't have to suffer the burden. It's an admirable thing, very selfless and giving, to do something like that. But it's important to understand who's burden it really is.

In the case of my friend, she is assuming the burden is hers. She assumes that because she made the decision, that the deceitful way in which she now has to behave among her parents us just another one of the consequences of making that choice. But I disagree. And this is the point I'm trying to make. Parents have many burdens when it comes to raising kids. The feelings of sorrow and failure will, almost undoubtedly, come in any parent's life as a result of the choices their children make. But the knowledge of those choices is their burden to carry, and to try and put that burden off on their kids through guilt, or on anyone else, is selfish. They're your kids, you're the one getting emotional because they are displaying behavior that is contradictory to ideals you hold for yourself, but not just for yourself, you hold those ideals for them as well, making you feel personally accountable for things that you might not necessarily be accountable for. Of course, there should be no logical accountability for your children after they turn 18. At some point you have to let go, and if you continue to hold on and feel accountable for them after that time, it's your own problem.

That's what I'm scared of when it comes to being a parent. It's all well and good to be debating the logical reasoning behind the actions people take, but the problem with being a parent is that the emotions are so overwhelming. When the time comes that I have to struggle with my own feelings of failure and sorrow because of the decisions my kids make, will I still be able to tell myself "this is your burden, don't put it on others"? Will I be able to own up to that burden and bear it? Will I even realize it for what it is? Or will emotions overwhelm everything and muck it all up, like emotions tend to do? Who knows. I have a lot of ideas about how I want to raise my kids, and still lots of questions, but at least this is one more thing I know to look out for.

Monday, September 15, 2008

hurricane ike was a disappointment...


It's been awhile since my last post, mostly because I haven't had any big epiphanies or any philosophical realizations recently, which of course has been the basis of most of my posts. Life does continue to go on though, and with it has come lots of stuff. To talk about life in general, it's hard to tell how happy I am with it right now. It's a new semester and my weaknesses are manifesting themselves as much as ever. It becomes my only source of discontent with the state of my life.

I'm talking, of course, about my disciplinary habits. Most easily notable in my sleeping schedule and study habits, as always. There's other areas of my life that my distraction and laziness causes problems, but school and sleep have always been the two biggest ones. At times I feel that if I can just get my sleep schedule under control, that if I can just muster enough discipline to regulate that one part of my life, that everything else would fall into place. I could be more focused at school, I would have more energy and drive to do the tasks I need to, and that most importantly, I would feel good about my life in every area. It's so tough for me though, when 11pm-12am rolls around, to make that call, and stop whatever I'm doing, and go to sleep. Ideally I would like to go to sleep at 11-11:30 every night and wake up at 7-7:30. But especially on the weekends its hard for me to go to sleep early, because I know I dont usually have anything going on the next day, and that it's alright if I sleep in. And then when I do sleep it, I usually end up REALLY sleeping in, because I DON'T have anything to do, or if there's things I HAD planned on doing, they quickly become extremely unimportant when it comes to getting out of bed.

I think back to earlier in the year, when I felt like I was in a really good place in my life. For about a month or two I really felt like I had things under control, and I think it all stemmed from me getting my sleeping schedule under control. There's something to be said that I'm sure aided to my success during that time, and as much as I hate to admit it because I love it so much, I had my account for my online game, World of Warcraft, deactivated during that time. It makes it seem like such a simple solution, deactivate World of Warcraft and life is good. But that's the problem, it's not that simple. Not playing World of Warcraft presents other problems.

By deactivating my account I end up with nothing to fill my free time with, forcing me to pursue alternate sources of entertainment, and whether that alternate entertainment is other games, going out with friends, or whatever else, it almost certainly proves to be a more costly avenue than World of Warcraft. I pay $15/mo for a subscription to that game, and it's about all the entertainment I could ask for, whereas during the time I had it deactivated, I was paying for a subscription to Blockbuster for unlimited video game rentals for my Xbox, which was $22/mo. It may seem strange that I would deactivate one subscription only to go to another, but it worked because so few other games are as entertaining as WoW. I would lose interest in them quickly, meaning I wasn't so eager during the days to rush home and play, effectively giving me more will power to do the things at school I needed to. But whereas that caused me to feel good about my disciplinary habits and scholastic and responsible adult life, I was often unhappy with my options of entertainment when I really did have free time.

In addition to cheap entertainment, WoW also provides an avenue for me to socialize with friends of mine that I don't normally see or get to hang out with because of 'geographical differences', so to speak. For several months last year I was able to play with my brother Spencer, several days a week. As it is now, we'll talk on the phone a few times a month, but it's nothing compared to tackling obstacles and sharing experiences together, albeit in an online video game. Recently I've been playing more often than usual because my good friend, James, currently has the luxury of giving some time to the game, but that won't last forever and he'll soon deactivate again and I'll be left to play by myself. I've been making the most of the time he has available, and it's been great fun. James is one of my great friends and since he lives in Idaho, I never see him, but I can 'see' him and 'hang out' with him online. Nerdy though it may seem, it's undeniable that online games provide a social avenue for friends to interact that they otherwise wouldn't have.

So there's that, my plug for online gaming. I think there's aspects of it that are important and fun and perfectly healthy. Cutting it out of my life entirely, though it may help in some ways, just doesn't seem like the cure-all option I'm looking for. For lack of a better analogy, you can take the drugs away from an addict but that doesn't stop him from being an addict. He'll find ways to get what he wants. You can take a miscreant teen who's mixing with the wrong sort of friends, and move him to a new town, and he'll just make new 'wrong friends' and continue in the same fashion. I can deactivate my WoW account, but I'll find other avenues of entertainment that may be equally unhealthy, albeit in different ways.

The problem then, isn't with WoW, it's with me. That much is obvious. Just because you cut out the visible tumor doesn't mean the cancer is gone. I need to just master myself, control my body and my emotions, all that zen stuff that like buddha monks preach and junk.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally camping on my computer every moment I'm not in class. I'm still much busier than I was Spring semester (when I only had 13 credits and 1 part-time job), and much much busier than I was last fall semester (when I had 15 credits and no jobs), so I spend an ample amount of my time during the week doing constructive things. Between class, completing assignments with deadlines, and my two jobs, I'm tied up for about 55 hours a week, give or take. So it's really not like I have tons of time to play, and because I so seldom have large quantities of free time, I try to spend that time with friends. It's just those few hours preceding my 'desired' bed time that I struggle with, and that struggle is going to be there regardless of my options in entertainment.

However, things have been looking a little up in that regard over the last week or so. Saturday morning I was up at 9:30, possibly the earliest I've been up on a Saturday in months, and Sunday I was up at 10, making it to church. Yesterday I was up at 7:10, twenty minutes before I normally get up for 8am class, easily the earliest I've been up since the semester started. But I know that while forcing myself to get up early will definitely make me more eager to go to sleep early, it isn't enough. I have to apply that extra discipline to both the 'going to bed' part and the 'waking up' part. I'm hoping when I get the 'going to bed' part down, the 'waking up' part won't be so difficult, and that when I get them BOTH down, neither of them will be difficult. Humans are creatures of habit, same as anything else on this planet. All I need to do is break my habit I've had for years of pushing the limit on my bed time and pushing the limit on my rising time, and start a new, more disciplinary one. Here's hoping.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

my own biggest obstacle

I've discovered over the years, and am continuing to experience and feels things that support this, that when it comes to getting involved with a girl, I'm my own biggest obstacle. The reason for that is, I have a tendency to get way ahead of myself with any girl I start to like. I begin to think way further into the future of the relationship than it will probably ever reach. I begin to imagine how things would be like between us in a year, 2 years, or more. All this before we've even been out on a date. I tend to let myself get more emotionally wrapped up in a girl than I should, and because of it I make all kinds of special effort to facilitate hanging out or going on a date, or anything really. I'll attempt to rearrange my schedule, I'll push other things asides, I'll make myself available for no good reason. As soon as I begin to think that things might go somewhere, the girl jumps up to priority #1. And that's why I'm my own biggest obstacle.

Take this girl I'm dating now. I started liking her about a month ago. I asked her out. We've been out lots of times since then. She didn't start displaying any real signs that she was interested in me until about 2 weeks after the first date. During that time I'm emotionally reaching for anything, any kind of sign that I can rationally interpret to be her liking me or being interested. And it kills me. Even where we are now, I'm pretty sure I'm more emotionally involved than she is. I just want to lavish attention on her and speak freely about how great I think she is or how much I like her, but I know I can't do that because I'd probably scare her away. So then I have to consciously hold myself back. When I want to talk to her all the time and go out every night, I have to tell myself no.

It doesn't help that I'm usually not that busy. Other people have lots of other things going on, things to distract them from their potential love interests. I really don't have that much to do, or maybe I'm just more prone to think about the girl I like more often than the average guy. I just care TOO much. I sometimes wonder if it's just desperation. I'm not necessarily lonely at the moment, but I am still highly invested in finding someone to replace that best friend spot. Someone who needs me as much as I need them. And that kind of defines this weakness of mine I've been describing. I think at the moment I just really need that person, and so when someone comes along that passes my short list of criteria, I just get so excited that I overdo it.

I hear time and time again from friends, "Don't over do it", "Don't rearrange your schedule just for some girl", "Just go on auto-pilot and don't think about her so much". All suggestions of holding back and not putting so much emphasis on the girl. I wish, I wish I could do that. Again I say: I am my own biggest obstacle.

This last weekend has been kind of an emotional roller coaster for me. Erica and I went out Wednesday night, and we talked about some good things. We established that we'd like to start a relationship. That's huge news. Well, really it was me suggesting it and her saying her saying she'd give it a shot. That's kind of been the reoccuring theme in our dating so far: I am leading her down the road. She's not saying no, so obviously she's doesn't mind where I'm taking her. She's admitted to liking me, and so obviously she is following me to some degree of her own interest level. However she's still trailing a few steps behind me, which (given my weakness I've explained thus far) is beginning to drive me crazy. Anyways, it was Thursday morning that she reaffirmed that she liked me. That was 3 days ago, I should still be happy with that. But yet, it feels like it was so long ago. Clearly I'm still not convinced to a level that I'm satisfied with that she likes me. And I can't go to her about that to find out what her deal is, because it's MY problem. And she just left this morning to go out of town for a week. I was hoping to take her out Friday or Saturday night and kiss her before she left, and also to make our relationship official. But in a string of bad scheduling and unfortunate things, we never got to go out. I didn't even really get to say a proper goodbye to her.

So now, I'm in a place where I realize my problem. I realize the situation. The only question now is how to proceed. I've debated trying out a few tactics I've heard from friends, being more assertive and direct about dates, talking to her less, ignoring her to a degree, etc. Or I can stay the course I've taken thus far, which is probably a tad over bearing, and little TOO nice, and not quite dominant enough, however it's the course of action that has gotten me this far. I also wonder what kind of things Erica responds to. Mostly it's been emotional-level and social-level stuff between us, and like I said, she has more or less just been riding along. So then I wonder if she'll respond more to physical attention. As one of my friends suggested: Try and get the short-term game down first, then the long-term will follow if it's meant to. And I've made a post about THIS before too, about the short-term game being more physically charged than emotionally-charged. And that's why I have no short-term game. I've always only moved a relationship along on a physical level as I feel it's moved on an emotional level, or in other words I keep the two on a similar level.

In any case, I dunno, she's out of town for a week. I dunno if she can talk on the phone or get texts where she's at, we never really talked about it. So then do I be the first one to call/text her to see how things are going? Or do I wait for her to decide she misses me and wants to talk? I don't know...things are way more complicated than they ever need to be with me. Again I say: I am my own biggest obstacle.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

success

Got test 3 back today, 96 is the verdict. I was very surprised. Very pleased, but also very surprised. Mostly because I didn't feel that much better about knowing the material than I did on test 2. I may well have, and that may have been the main factor in the difference in grades, but I can't help but feel like there must have been something else. My brother in law (who originally suggested I actually see him in his office to talk about my grades/concerns) mentioned that in Law school, you don't put your names on the test, you just use numbers, so that the professor can't make his grading personal. He thought that since they don't do that at Richland, obviously, that it could only work to my advantage, that if I were to raise concerns and basically let him know that I was very interested in doing well and was trying and wanted to know how to work harder at it, that he would take that into account when grading the test. This actually seems like it may have been the case. Or maybe I just knew all the material a lot better, or maybe it was something else lol.

In any case, now I don't have to drop the class! And you can bet I'm going to work my tail off to get a similar grade on both test 4 and the final. At least to get a passing grade in that class. I'm not taking this again. I like my free time, and my $150, thanks.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

test 3

Quick update, I took test 3 today in my pre-cal course. This test will determine whether or not I drop the course this Thursday and have to repeat it in two weeks at the start of Summer II. I felt good about the test. I didn't study for it as much as I would've liked, and that's mostly my fault, but I still felt good about it. I actually knew how to do all the problems (unlike test 1) and I had time to complete all the problems (unlike test 2). I expect my best grade of the 3 so far, but considering even a 52 would be my best so far, that's not saying much. I need to get at least like an 80 to consider not dropping. I'll get the test back tomorrow or Thursday at the latest.

This teacher is still wildly frustrating. I went to talk to him during his office hours yesterday to express my concerns for my grade and the difficulty level of his course. He pretty much just disagreed with all my arguments saying it really ISN'T that complex and I really SHOULDN'T be having a hard time if I'm doing the homework. What a joke. I mostly wanted to see if he had copies of tests he'd administered in previous semesters covering the same coursework (an equivalent test 3 with different questions) that I could study from, to which he replied that he didn't keep old tests. Useless...

Friday, June 20, 2008

epic failure


My precalculus class is ridiculous. Ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous. The more I go to class, the more I believe that. What's ridiculous about it? The stupid teacher. The teacher is like no teacher I've had. He's not bad at teaching per se, but he is a bad professor. Unfortunately for him, teaching the subject isn't the only part of being a professor. There's also grading, communicating, helping students, curriculum choice, etc. He fails at pretty much all of these things, in an epic way.

Grading: This guy is the toughest grader I've ever seen. He has admitted in class he plans to count off points on anything he can. He insists you show all your work on tests. Correct answer+no work=0 points for the question. Correct work+wrong answer=0 points. But it doesn't stop there. On the first test I had a problem that was simple enough that I didn't need to work it out with any algebraic steps, I was able to logically solve the problem. I gave logical reasoning for my answer, but was still counted wrong because apparently he was looking for me to show specific steps (which obviously were unnecessary). On another problem, as I was solving it I was debating between two possible ways to solve it. So I worked through the problem both ways. I eventually decided on one way, which was the correct way and supplied the correct answers, but he still counted off because I left the incorrect steps on the page as part of my work. He has counted off for not writing 'X=' before the solution, he has counted off for not having a perfectly sketched graph, with lines not bending at exactly the correct curvature, but still passing through the key points. Etc.

Communication: He talks to the white board the entire class. Half the time he is covering up his work with his body, making it difficult to follow along. He insists on us knowing the hows and whys of every formula he presents, and spends 15-20 minutes proving each formula before presenting it. He insists we need to know the specifics of why these formulas work. I disagree. I do lots of websites as a means of side income. I use computers all the time, but that doesn't necessarily mean I need to know why or how a computer works. That doesn't mean I should spend all the necessary time learning the details and specifics of what a diode is or a circuit so I can understand how a computer works. I don't need to know those things in order to use it. I don't need to know why a math formula works, just how to use it. If I was majoring in math, or was intending to be a mathematician, I would agree with him that it needs to be learned. He spends at least 40% of each class period proving formulas and other mathematical facts.

Curriculum: His curriculum isn't terrible actually. He has 4 tests, and a final, and the final will count twice to replace your lowest grade of the original 4 tests, if it would raise your overall grade. That's pretty decent. However, the way things are looking, I may need 2-3 tests dropped. The worst part of the curriculum is he only allows 75 minutes for tests. For a math test where you have to show your work in a very concise and detailed way, that's not nearly enough time. On the last test I took, only 2 people finished the exam before time was up. No one else had time to complete the test. He insists that math is not only about knowing how to do the problem, but also about how fast you can do it and further insists that his time limits are enough time to complete the test if we 'know the material'. Personally, I think that's a load of crap. I can tell you I knew the material on that test. It's one thing to take a long time on a problem because you aren't sure how to do it, and it's another thing to take a long time on a problem because it's just that type of problem, regardless of how well you know how to do it.

I didn't study or do any of the home work for the first test, as a point of gaging how tough the course would be. I got a 45 on that test. Out of the 5-6 people I talked to (15 in the class), none of them got a higher grade than me. Oooookay, gotta try harder. So I buy the book, do the homework, stop falling asleep in class, pay attention, and try hard to keep track of the kinds of minute details he is looking for on the tests. Second test...I get a 51. The professor acts surprised that there's so many low scores (I'm sure...like he isn't used to people failing/dropping his classes). Test 3 comes before the drop date next week, so I'll be able to take that and if I still fail it, I'll have to drop the class.

It's just stupid. I've gotten A's in both algebra and trigonometry before this, in trig I got 100s on all the tests but the final. It's not the material I'm struggling with, and that's the worst part. The only thing standing between me and an A in this class is this stupid ridiculous teacher. The problems in the homework are all simple problems, straight forward, sometimes a little complicated but still easy. The problems on the test are like the most deviously constructed and are as far from simple as you can get. This teacher isn't trying to teach us precalculus I've decided. He's just trying to fail us all with his stupid questions, his horribly picky grading, and his incredibly boring classes. This guy is more worried about the red tape of precal than the concept of it. He's the bureaucrat of the math world. He's the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law. Only thing is, he's teaching us the spirit of the law, but grading us on the letter of the law. He's an idiot. Having to drop his class and retake precal in summer 2 is the very last thing I want to do, but I'm not sure I can pass this class. I don't even know what to improve on. I totally understand the material, I'm very comfortable with it, but the test questions are overly complicated and unclear sometimes. And it's not like its even just me. Like I said, almost everyone else I've talked to in that class is failing. If it was just me I would know that there was something I could do to make up my poor performance, but if it's 80% of the class, you have to wonder at the teacher.

Usually near the end of the semester, the school will have the students fill out anonymous reports on the performance of the teacher. I'm hoping these go out before the drop date, or that I can get a good enough grade on the third test that I don't have to drop it, so that I can give him the worst possible review I can, along with everyone else in the class that's failing. Far as I know, only 3-4 people tops, are passing. I would be very interested to know what the pass-rate of this class is, or even his average pass-rate for all this classes. I would bet it's below 30%. What a dick....

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

mood: miserable

I rarely blog about my feelings. I blog often about events or my thoughts and ideas, but rarely do I write about my own feelings. The purpose of this post isn't to gain pity or sympathy or whatever, in fact I want none of those things. The only purpose of this post is to put my feelings into words, because I find I express myself best and come to an enlightened state of understanding concerning my own feelings and thoughts when I put them to words. But not only that, I have to write as though I'm explaining it to someone, because ultimately I am, to myself. If I write as though no one else were going to read it, I might as well stick to just my thoughts because it comes out just as disorganized and muddled as it is in my head, but when I explain things to people whether in person or in writing, I feel a sense of clarity come over me that often leaves even me surprised due to the resulting insight. Thus is the preliminary to this post.

Last night I made possibly the biggest mistake I've made in a long time. As with all mistakes, full recognition of the consequences and impact of the decision didn't come until later, or today. I brought and consumed alcohol in my brother and sister-in-law's house. And not only that, I let it get out of hand enough that William, who I was drinking with, ended up getting sick over it and had to stay the night instead of driving home. When I got home from school today Kisty brought it up. Honestly she didn't need to say anything beyond "I know what happened last night and I'm disappointed" for me to realize in full what kind of decision it was. Not that she said much more beyond that anyways, for all her attitude and spunk she's awful non-confrontational and actually apologized to me a few times while discussing it, which I was quick to disallow. At the moment, I just feel miserable. She said it perfectly right when she asked "What were you thinking? I thought you knew better." and really I don't have an answer to it, and I should have known better. They've allowed me to be a guest in their house, a house they try very hard to maintain a certain degree of civil and religious standards in, and last night I knowingly acted against those standards. There's no excuse for it, I know that. Regardless of whose idea it was, or who (between William and I) was the one acting more irresponsibly, it all comes down on me
, and really it should. I just....I feel terrible, like there's this heavy blanket of guilt thats suffocating me. I feel like I need to get out of this house...as though the house itself is disappointed.
Eddie is out of town on a high adventure trip, and of course he needs to know what happened. Kisty was nice enough to allow me to explain it to him first. I have no intention of down playing it, or omitting details, least of all lying about anything. Personally I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to move out, but if this guilt persists I may end up preempting that decision and moving out myself. I don't feel bad for the drinking, or even for allowing William to drink himself sick, those are things I'm okay with. It's all about location, location, location. It takes a long time to build trust with people and in one night I've shattered months of established trust, probably more. I think the worst part about it is how painfully obvious it is to me now how bad of a decision it was and that it didn't even really occur to me last night. I feel toxic...as though I've been infected with a disease I know I can't get rid of...

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

happy people

In this troubling world of ours there are two kinds of people. There's angry people and there's happy people. Sure there's some kind of 'in-between' breed, but ultimately when the chips are low you're either an angry person or a happy person. Perhaps it has more to do with the way people cope with their struggles than anything else. Some people are totally happy people, until they're tried, then they transform into our friend here on the right.

I work at Chili's as a server, and a server (almost by definition) is a high-stress job position. When it gets busy and you've got a full section, things can hit the fan very quickly. And it's in a job like mine when it's busy and everyone's guard is down, that you really get to see if your co-workers are angry people or happy people. And once I've made the distinction, it becomes obvious who I'd like to get to know better and who I can probably avoid entirely. Now, I'll admit, it's not a solid form of testing the character of a person, observing how they handle stress or cope with peoples' complaints and bullcrap, but I feel it's a reasonable indicator. I've only been working there about 3 weeks and I can point to each person I work with and tell you if they're an angry or happy person. And really it's the happy people you want to work with, the ones you want to talk to and possibly get to know better, maybe even hang out outside of work. But it's those people who really stand out, at least to me. It makes me wonder if those kind of people stand out to just me, or if they stand out even to the angry people as well. I like to think of myself as a happy person, someone who is upbeat and optimistic and usually wearing a smile, even when times are tough. At the very least, that's what I try to be. I also wonder if outside of a high-stress environment, if I could get along with some of the 'angry' people I work with. How much of the angry or tense or stressed feelings I see coming from these people at work at retained even when they're not at work. How much of lies dormant all the time just waiting for a trigger and how much of it only comes as a result of a specific trigger? Bruce Banner is always the Hulk, even when he seems happy and contented, the wrong thing could set him off and BAM! He just flattened your dog. See, if you knew Bruce Banner was that unstable time bomb just waiting to go off, you probably wouldn't have invited him to come along when you walked your dog. Bruce Banner is an angry person, that's just how he is. It's a residual personality trait, not a byproduct of specific and temporary events.

I'm not prepared to say all the people I see trembling and turning Green in the kitchen are 'Bruce Banners', but maybe they are. But at the very least, I can safely assume the people who aren't turning Green in the kitchen, and are instead relatively cheerful, are definitely not Bruce Banners, and hence would be safe to invite them along when I take my dog for a walk (that is if I owned a dog lol). Bruce Banner quit flattening my dog! HULK SMASH!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

good guy/bad guy

DO NOT BE THIS GUY! No matter how appealing he may seemOver the weekend I got into another philosophical debate with my friend William, and here is the organized result of what I learned:

Most people think of a bad person as someone who does bad things to people, and a good person is a person who does nice things to people. Well for this discussion, 'good person' is going to mean something a little different. See, to me, there are certain rights of individuals that people should never violate. These are the criteria I feel measure 'good' and 'bad'. The interpretation of these 'rights' can potentially vary from person to person based on their perspective of life. I feel like it should be constant across everyone, but realize any moral acting as a constant with everyone is wistful thinking. In any case, I feel these rights are limited to 'not stealing from someone', and 'not harming innocent people', whether it's physical harm or otherwise. If the intent is to harm an innocent person, you're violating that person's right. So during the course of my argument, when I say 'bad things', these things and only these things am I referring to.

Now, imagine if you will, a scale upon which your 'good' and 'bad' are measured, a scale which measures your moral integrity, aka scale#1. But like I said above, for this argument, 'good' doesn't mean doing good things to people, like a service project, but instead I'm going to use it in the context of 'someone who doesn't do bad things'. So on this scale that measures 'good' and 'bad', the bad people are people who violate the rights I listed above, a good person is simply someone who does not violate those rights of others and means nothing beyond that.

Now, imagine an entirely separate scale, one that measures a different kind of good and bad, what I'm going to call selfish and selfless, aka scale#2. Beyond the violation of rights, there's another part of life that can be measured, and that's how we act towards other people which is, again, completely separate from what rights we do or don't violate. On one side of this scale, we have a 'selfish' person, who really only cares about himself, he's out to fulfill his wants and needs and no one else's. He's rude, he's mean, he's selfish and greedy, and in fact he's just a complete jerk overall. On the other side of the scale is the paragon of benevolence, a selfless person who strives to find those in need and render aid where ever he can. He's kind, thoughtful, giving and honest, the kind of guy you like to be around.

Now to present one part of my argument: the person who violates the rights of innocent people and the person who gives and serves continually are not opposites of each other, they are being measured on separate scales, and for the sake of this argument, have nothing to do with each other.

Since we have two scales, we have 4 unique combinations now, and any number of 'blend' combinations, but lets just touch on the full-on combinations. Let's take the person who harms innocent people, let's say...a gangster (such as the one in the picture, Russell Crowe in the movie 3:10 to Yuma), who steals and kills and blackmails people, all kinds of violation of rights. Now on the other scale, he's on the 'good' side in that outside of his life of crime, he's very kind and gentle to people, he's giving and charismatic and thoughtful. You see this type of person all the time in movies, the likable charismatic villain, who, despite being a thief and murderer, seems like a good guy. Of course, you can have the 'mobster' who is on the 'jerk' side of the scale#2 making him a 'bad' person and also a 'selfish' person. Even worse.

The opposite of that person is, of course, the person who doesn't violate any rights and in addition to that is caring and kind and serving and so on. Great, good for him, you've got a stand up citizen there worthy of an award of some kind. However, you can also have the person who doesn't violate any rights but in all other ways is a complete ass. This person often gets a bad rap from society, wrongfully judged by many as 'worse' than the mobster who appears to be a saint on the surface.

The second part of my argument is this: It's more important to be 'good' side of scale#1 than it is to be on the 'selfless' side of scale#2. It is my argument that scale#1 always trumps scale#2 in importance. The selfish jerk who isn't violating innocent people's rights is infinitely more desirable than the paragon of benevolence who steals and/or harms innocent people. You can't harm people or steal things, and then justify it by going out and doing a good deed, they're on separate scales, they simply don't cancel each other out. Now whether doing a good deed for someone cancels out a mean thing you did to someone, say....make fun of them(for a tame example), whether those cancel each other out, that's not for me to say but at least they're on the same scale.

So then, in my view of things, I'll admit there's gray area on both scales. Very few people are going to tip in 100% on the side of 'selfless' on scale#2, most of us are are good to everyone but can sometimes let our emotions get the best of us and, whether intentionally or unintentionally, end up being that 'jerk' to at least a few people. Similarly, very few people are going to be a complete jerk to everyone and will most likely be nice and considerate to at least a few people. On scale#1, there's gray area too. It's more noticeable where in the gray area you fall as there is less criteria to be measured on in scale#1. The person who walks out of a bookstore with a pencil accidentally, but who realizes later and doesn't feel remorse, I'm not prepared to call that person a 'bad' person, and so they fall into the gray area. I suspect most people also fall into the gray area on this scale as well. Admittedly it's easier to avoid harming people in person than to avoid harming them in property (stealing).

In any case, I've made my point. I feel there should be a distinction made between good/bad and selfish/selfless. Not violating those rights of innocent people is what's necessary in a successful society, any good or benevolent behavior on top of that is just icing on the cake. If we had a society where everyone was a complete jerk to everyone else, but no one was stealing from or harming innocent people, well....that would be a step in the right direction I feel.

So next time you hear someone referred to as a 'good person', like our good friend Russell Crowe here, consider both scales of measurement to determine for yourself whether they really are a good person or not.

Friday, May 16, 2008

dry ice

Yesterday marked an epic day in the history of my life: It marks the day of my first real interaction with dry ice. Sure, I've seen it before in stores and bowls and stuff like that, but I've never gotten my hands on any to actually play around with and test and experiment with...until yesterday.

Eddie had a chemical shipped to him at work that had been shipped in a carton of dry ice to preserve temperatures (commonplace) and he brought the dry ice home to show me and the kids. Of course watching it melt in water is cool, and it sure entertained the kids (except Brynnley, she didn't want anything to do with it), but after awhile that got boring and Eddie and I decided to revisit our juvenile sides and tested out some dry ice bombs. Apparently dry ice bombs are all the rage, and I'd heard about them before, but lemme tell ya, they sure are fun. We were using standard size ozarka bottles instead of 2-liter bottles like most people use. The first one we threw into the pool, but since it was mostly filled it air, it just sat on the surface until it exploded. It was a lot bigger of an explosion than I was anticipating lol. Kisty came running outside from the house wondering if all her kids were in 1 piece still. The second one we wanted to sink in the pool, so we duck taped the bottle to half a brick and tossed it in. Well, the brick apparently wasn't heavy enough because although it sunk partially at first, as the pressure built up in the bottle it floated up to the top, again exploding quite louder than I expected. The third one we tied to 2 full-size bricks and sunk, and this one stayed at the bottom, floating upside down tied to the bricks. When it exploded the ground shook. Not a lot, but it definitely shook, which I also wasn't expecting. The burst of water in the pool wasn't anything extraordinary, it was mostly the submerged 'boom' and the ground shaking that was fun to experience. We sunk a few more, until we ran out of empty bottles. It never got any less fun. I don't see myself ever wanting to do anything malicious with dry ice bombs, but I sure do intend to revisit them sometime.

Friday, April 25, 2008

weakness

I thought I would sit and make a list of everything I feel to be a weakness of mine, to help me to better understand myself if nothing else.

First and foremost, I would probably label discipline as my biggest weakness. Not like discipline in all areas, just certain things I've noticed throughout the years. Most commonly, getting to bed at a reasonable time is very difficult for me. I don't know why exactly, I just have this unshakable desire to waste time whenever I begin to think about going to bed. Usually if I'm in the middle of doing something, playing or game or doing something else on my computer, I'll just keep pushing it and pushing it little by little until I end up going to bed 2 hours after I had intended. And if I get home from something late, instead of going straight to bed, I feel like I have to take time to unwind from whatever I was doing, even though just going to sleep really SHOULD be unwinding enough.

So then the problem of not going to bed early enough manifests itself the next day, and when I'm in school (like I am now) it can result in missed classes, which of course, has more compounded results. Even if I don't miss classes, if I don't get enough sleep I'll probably end up sleeping through them, in which case I might as well have stayed home in bed.

In addition to not being able to get myself to go to bed on time and the negative effects that can have on my classes and grades, I also have a very hard time reading out of textbooks. I'm not a huge reader to begin with, and when it's something as boring to me as a textbook, especially when I have something else on my mind that I'd rather be doing, it's almost impossible for me to concentrate and actually LEARN the stuff I'm reading instead of just letting it go in one eye and out the other, so to speak.

These two poor disciplinary habits are what I attribute to my failure at school when I went to BYU. They are still problems, but at least I recognize them now and I can adjust my life accordingly. It's kind of easy for me right now because I don't really have to study out of a textbook for any of my classes now, and my day starts with work 3 days a week, which will assuredly get me out of bed and started in my day even if I was up late the night before. I'm nervous about when I transfer to UNT in the fall, if the classes are harder, if the curriculum is different, I might find myself needing to study from a textbook a lot more. Also I may not be able to find a cush job like I have now to start my mornings with, so I'll be pressed to keep attendence at my classes. We'll see though, I know what the problem is so I hopefully can address it.

Other than certain disciplinary problems, sometimes I have ego trips. I try very hard to keep an open mind about things, to not shoot down other peoples' opinions and stuff, but sometimes people will use some fact or reference to support their argument, and somewhere in the back of my mind I might feel like I am more of an expert on that topic, so I'll insist that they are wrong, and argue it out. Sometimes I was right about them being wrong, sometimes I'm not, but usually the way I handle it always makes me come out looking like an ass.

Or another problem, when arguing a point sometimes I will use definitive statements to support MY argument, but in the heat of proving my point my definitive statements might not always be right, and usually it'll come out that it's wasn't right, and I'll desperately try to back pedal and try and to change the meaning of what I said so it looks like I wasn't wrong and don't lose ground in the argument. Just like the other thing, even if I CAN manage to play it off successfully that I meant something else and therefore wasn't wrong, I still come out looking like an ass.

I normally will admit my mistakes, if I have mispoken or mistreated someone, but just like the previous thing, I can lose myself in the heat of trying to prove a point or save face, and will shift the blame to something or someone else.

Sometimes I get a high-and-mighty complex too. I will feel like I've come upon some great achievement or enlightenment, and without thinking might pass judgment on people who don't derserve it, thinking they haven't done what I've done, or don't know what I know. I try not to, just sometimes I don't realize I'm doing it.

I'm trying to think of more weaknesses, because I know that's not all of them. I'll post more later if I can think of them, but I'll let this be a forum to add to as time goes on and/or as I develop new ones.

Monday, April 21, 2008

post on religion

This topic was brought up in my Govt class. It's a different way to look at religion as far as it affects moral behavior in both person and society. Religion is a complicated thing, certainly is has far deeper effects than most people realize. However, important though it may seem sometimes, it's still silly to me.

http://islibertylost.blogspot.com/2008/04/religion.html

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Religion

“The belief in a God All Powerful wise & good, is so essential to the moral order of the World & to the happiness of man, that arguments which enforce it cannot be drawn from too many sources...." (James Madison to Frederick Beasley, November 20, 1825)

Does a belief in this kind of a God cause people to be less willing to harm others, as Madison suggests? Does believing that there is no God (as in the case of Stalin and Mao) cause one to be more willing to harm others?

6 comments:

Derek said...

There are two things that Man fears, the wrath of his God, and the wrath of his fellow man. All actions dictated by fear will be influenced by these two factors.

A man who is a devout believer in God will most certainly fear the wrath of his God if he acts outside the boundaries he believes his God has set. By nature, a god-fearing man will be more afraid of his God than his fellow man, and if he believes he is acting in behalf of his God, the wrath of his fellow man will become much less, if any at all, of a deterrent.

This fear of God will be an influencing factor for the life of that man, as, by nature, God cannot be usurped.

A man who has no belief in God will not have the influencing factor of God's potential wrath, and all his actions will be dictated on only on the wrath of his fellow man, which, by nature, CAN be usurped. This fear will only deter as long as the man feels weaker than others, but once the man gains power and feels stronger than others, he loses this fear as well, meaning that he has neither governing fear to dictate his choices, leaving him (allegedly) without morals.

The argument that fear is a prevailing motivator is a solid one. Ideally, the driving motivating factor behind peoples' decisions would be something else, such as compassion or something, but we don't live in an ideal world.

So then the question to be asked is "which causes more fear, wrath of God or wrath of Man?". This, of course, is going to be different to different people.

Certainly a fear of both is going to cause people to act in the most socially acceptable way, and a fear of neither would be disastrous. I don't think anyone could argue this.

A fear of JUST man would be adequate, but only until man can be usurped.

However a fear of JUST God can be equally dangerous, even though God cannot be usurped. Once a man's belief in his God becomes so strong that he no longer fears his fellow man (religious fanatics), ANYTHING is fair game, it's only a matter of details after that. And what's worse is that the fanatic can then turn other God-fearing men into fanatics as well leading to genocide as easily as the man who fears only other men, but has risen to power. (hence the Crusades)


So then it really isn't a matter of belief in God, it's just a matter of belief. All God's aside, all men aside, it's all about what principles you believe in. People will fight to the death for the things they believe at the core of their being to be right and wrong, whether those beliefs were instilled by Man or God. The godless 'heathen' can be more morally established than the godless 'saint'. It's all a matter of perspective. I'm willing to suggest that all morals are subjective. There's a few core beliefs that I believe to apply across the board, and those are the ones that I will fight for to the death, but my list of core beliefs will probably differ from many others. Though I believe MINE to be true, and ONLY mine, that doesn't mean that (at least on a theoretical level) they are true.

So then you move to the assertion of a majority rule. A majority of people would agree that murder falls under that list of core beliefs,that stealing is on that list of core beliefs. But that doesn't mean it is. UNLESS you are willing to adopt the belief that right and wrong is established by the majority.

In the American society where we are ALL about preventing the majority from violating the rights of the minority, this can be a very difficult concept to swallow. But if you agree with all my logic thus far, the next question is "Where do you draw the line?". How BIG does the majority have to be for a belief to move from 'subjective belief' to 'core belief'?

Does 100% percent of the world (or for this example, the United States) believe murder is wrong? I would seriously doubt it. My guess would be a split of maybe 99.99% to .01%, or possibly a greater split than that. But so then you have to ask yourself, if 20% of the nation's population believed murder to be okay, would that take it off the list of 'core beliefs'? Would the Supreme Court make a ruling declaring it unconstitutional for States to make any law concerning the legality of murder? And would they say that murder lies in the word 'liberty' in the due process clause of the 14th Amendment?

Goodness, I realize this is a very extreme example, but my argument is this: morality, whether its the subjective beliefs or the core beliefs, are established by majority rule, they always have and they always will, it's human nature.

It's not a belief in God that creates good men, it's good men that create good men, and THAT, I believe, answers the blog question adequately.

Just my long-winded, extensive, and probably unnecessary explanation of my opinion.

Mr. Powell

MI said...

Three thoughts in response to Mr. Powell.

"Morality, whether its the subjective beliefs or the core beliefs, are established by majority rule, they always have and they always will, it's human nature."

The insistence of the Founders that ideas of right and wrong come from God (and that our basic rights from God) is a denial that morality is whatever the majority says it is. Every single Founder, as well as people like Lincoln, insisted on this point.

You can disagree, but it would be good to give some reasons why you disagree.

"A fear of JUST man would be adequate, but only until man can be usurped."

Perhaps the reason why Marxism leads to totalitarian government is because if there is no God to fear, then government must be extremely powerful in order to keep people in check. The Founders would have seen it this way.

"What's worse is that the fanatic can then turn other God-fearing men into fanatics as well leading to genocide as easily as the man who fears only other men, but has risen to power. (hence the Crusades)."

Is it agreed that the Crusades were the work of God-fearing fanatics? What were the Crusades? What was the purpose of the Crusades? Is there only one way to understand them (a negative one) or is the matter more complex than that?

Derek said...

"The insistence of the Founders that ideas of right and wrong come from God (and that our basic rights from God) is a denial that morality is whatever the majority says it is. Every single Founder, as well as people like Lincoln, insisted on this point."

Who said anything about the founding fathers? I don't believe the debate was over what the founding father's believed or didn't believe about God, but what we thought. My previous comment reflects how I feel and, in my opinion, just because the founding fathers, or anyone else, believed in God-given rights doesn't make it true. All of my comments were coming from a very theoretical level, which they have to because if we only talk from perspective set in reality we wouldn't be able to think outside of our social context.

"Perhaps the reason why Marxism leads to totalitarian government is because if there is no God to fear, then government must be extremely powerful in order to keep people in check. The Founders would have seen it this way."

I believe you are agreeing with me here, but I'm not sure. I'm not trying to defend Marxism, and indeed I'll be the first to admit I don't know much about Karl Marx in the first place. But I believe I know what 'idealist' means and I believe Communism to be just that, idealistic. So idealistic that it's impossible to achieve, and efforts to achieve it will most likely result in morally void behavior.

"Is it agreed that the Crusades were the work of God-fearing fanatics? What were the Crusades? What was the purpose of the Crusades? Is there only one way to understand them (a negative one) or is the matter more complex than that?"

The Crusades, in my opinion, were the work of God-fearing fanatics. Not every soldier who fought in the Crusades was a fanatic, but I believe the people who started it, who were backing it, and who fueled it, were. Like I said: fanatics, who in my opinion are also morally instable, can take the belief of others who AREN'T fanatics, and twist it and manipulate it to get other believers to act in their cause. I believe the Crusades was a war fought in a morally instable time period by morally instable people. As to the negative or positive effects of the Crusades, well, I'm no historian so I won't pretend to know much about that.

MI said...

It definitely is a good idea to think about whether or not there is a God and whether or not our rights actually come from God, independentally of what the Founders thought.

The reason I brought in the Founders is because they understood what the political consequences would be of believing that right and wrong is whatever the majority says. In their opinion, the political consequence would be that there would be no security for rights and so no liberty. They believed that there must be someone independent of mankind who defines right and wrong, or else injustices and even atrocities great and small would regularly take place.

As to the Crusades, I would just say that personally I am going to reserve judgment on the best way to understand them, until I have spent a good deal of time studying the matter. There is, for example, a well-respected three volume history of the Crusades by a historian named Steven Runciman, that would take many hours of work to read through. I think it is important not to be too emphatic about out opinions until we put in the time it takes to understand the matter we are studying--and even when we have put in the time it makes sense to be open to the possibility that we are not done thinking about the matter.

So I am just pleading for open minds and more thinking about this matter.

Derek said...

I agree with you that it's important for every person to come to a verdict of whether God exists or not, I have come to that verdict myself and found that I believe God does exist. I know it may seem like I am atheist in a lot of the things I've said, but I find religion to be a particularly insubstantial area of belief and consequently find myself playing Devil's Advocate any time I can.

Also, I don't doubt at all the the Founders' beliefs in an active God and God-given rights and the passing on of those values to American society has helped create the great American nation we know today, I don't doubt that at all. I strongly believe that the 'core beliefs' the Founders believed in (or as you call the Sacred Triangle of Rights) is an important part to any successful society. I agree with those beliefs, again I just find myself playing Devil's Advocate. I question the beliefs of the Founding Fathers for reasons you yourself argued: just because an authority figure is telling you something doesn't make it true. You've said this about yourself many times.

As for the Crusades, I'm just going to remove myself of them entirely. Like I said I'm no historian and I clearly don't know enough about the topic to use it in reference to any kind of argument I'm making.

I had hoped in no way that in my explanation of my opinions and thoughts that I was done thinking about the matter. I hope and strive to be an open-minded person, that's why I play Devil's Advocate so often, even though a lot of times I agree with the original sentiment.

I guess if I had to make one argument it would be this, and I'll try to put it in a logical structure.

PREMISE: There are hundreds of different religions and hundreds of more ways to look at each one. Each proclaims to be the one and only truth.

INFERENCE: No religion can prove their's is true and the others are false, at least not in a way in which all can accept it (scientifically being an example of a way to prove something). Belief in any particular one requires a 'leap of faith' to varying degrees.

CONCLUSION: Given the diversity of beliefs and opinions among religion and moral beliefs, and the lack of any real proof one over the others, it can be said that predominating beliefs found among a majority of religions can be considered 'God-given'. Or to put it another way, morals are establish via majority rule.

-Mr Powell

MI said...

I do appreciate the questions that you are raising, Mr. Powell. As you say, raising such questions help people to think more.

The point you make in this comment reminds of something we haven't discussed yet about the idea of God-given rights.

In the Declaration, the Americans say that the fact that all human beings have certain basic rights is a "self-evident" truth--that is, it is a truth that can be agreed to by human reason alone, independently of the revelation of religion.

In Activity 68, Locke (as quoted by Story) says that the right to freedom of worship is something that we know exists not only from revealed religion, but natural religion as well. Natual religion, I assume, means idea about God that we can arrive at by means of reason alone.

So the Founders at least believed that we can arrive at the idea of God-given rights by reason alone. (I'd have to think more about how exactly that is done.)

Friday, April 11, 2008

vengeful god 2!

So....how big of a jerk is traditional Christian God? I was thinking about this the other day, and God is supposed to be this benevolent, omnipotent, and omniscience father figure right? Well, if you had kids, would you teach them by killing them? That's what God has done, according to the Bible. Not frequently, but in a lot of cases, and in a lot of circumstances, when the people began to be 'too wicked', he would just strike them all down, flood the earth, sink their city into a fissure in the earth, plague them all, or some other in-your-face show of power. What kind of God is that? I mean, if he's omnipotent, then he coul just make us do right. If you argue that's an example of taking our free agency away, then what is killing someone if not the ultimate removal of free agency?

It just seems to me that as parents, our objectives are to raise our children in what we feel to be the best way possible. Discipline is a problem for all parents to varying degrees, but that's part of the challenge of being a parent. Is figuring out what works for your children and what doesn't, what they will respond to positively and what they respond to negatively. If you can't control your children, they will control you.

But that's what's tough, we're just human beings, we're not omnipotent and omniscient, we have to work at gaining the knowledge of what works and what doesn't. God should already know these things. If God knows everything about everyone, he should easily be able to influence the lives of those who are 'wicked' such that they will want to change. I realize that God today doesn't kill off huge amounts of people for vengeful purposes (or at least no serious religion is claiming such) but that doesn't excuse him from his alledged 'past' behavior. Like I'm seriously am having a hard time understanding how anyone could believe in a higher being that would commit mass genocide as a solution to the discipline problems of his supposed 'children'.

I don't see the difference between God using his omnipotent powers to simply control our actions as a puppetmaster would (which I think people would have serious problems with), or simply killing us, which he does loads of times in the Christian Bible, and in the LDS Book of Mormon. Someone please explain this to me.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

gratitude


I think it's important every now and again to really think about all the things you're grateful for. It think it's helps a person to realize that they have so much more in their life to be thankful for than they may know.

So to start out, I'm so grateful for my family. My parents, my siblings, my in-laws and all the nieces and nephews. I think they're all so great and loving. I've been raised all my life to have really strong family values and as I get older I realize how important those are to me and for me. They can all be a little quirky and overbearing at different times or another, but overall the love is there and the sense of togetherness is really strong. I'm grateful that most of us live in Dallas so I can enjoy their company frequently and watch as my nieces and nephews grow up and that I can be a part of their lives. I know it is wishing for a lot, but it would be amazing if my sister who is currently living in Philidelphia while her husband goes to med school also ended up in Dallas, and if my other brother who's going to school in Utah ends up in Dallas as well. As for me, I don't intend to go anywhere.

Secondly, I'm grateful for my brother and his wife who are more-than-graciously allowing me to stay in their house and be a part of their family. They're so wonderful to me and always treat me with the utmost respect, it's more than I feel I deserve sometimes. As I've said before, I often feel like I'm not giving enough back.

I'm grateful for some of the amazing teachers I've had while at Richland this semester and last. I really feel like they've help grow my love for learning. I've learned so much from my government professor, and where I was completely apathetic towards politics, I'm very much interested in it now and it has helped alter a lot of my opinions on basic topics such as family, society, and relationships. My history professor last semester really got me loving history and was able to lecture and explore the topic in a way that had my full attention, which almost never happens in a lecture class. I'm sad I coudn't take the same teacher for history2, but at least he planted the seed. A lot of my other professors over my scholastic years have done a really good job and I don't feel like I expressed that gratitude.

I'm grateful for the job that I have now, the relaxed nature of it is a very enjoyable aspect, the flexible hours, low supervision, low stress, opportunity to study, and though it is also relatively low paying, it's still a great job for me.

I'm grateful for all of the friends I have who really treasure my friendship and show it. The friends I have have helped shape me into the person I am today, which is a person I'm very happy with and I wouldn't have it any other way. And even though I sometimes feel a little lonely, it just makes me even more grateful for the friends I do have.

I'm grateful for all the opportunities I've had in my life, some of which I'm amazed I even had at all. I will be the first to admit I've never really worked THAT hard for anything, compared to other people I've seen who have a lot more ambition than me, but still that hasn't stopped me from having access to a lot of opportunity just the same.

I'm grateful for the examples of others, both good and bad, and what understanding I have that helps me create the distinction. They have helped me create and form my own opinions, of which I'm proud of.

And last of all, I'm grateful I live in a country where I'm free to make a huge range of personal decisions with no interference from governmental powers, I'm grateful to be the commander of my own life and that I alone am in charge of my life successes and failures. Hopefully I will make the best of my opportunities and blessings and be able to experience many more.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

reciprocal relationships

So I thought I'd explore the idea of reciprocal relationships between friends/family/lovers or whatever.

I'm sure a lot of people have gone through the frustration of being in a one-sided relationship. Where they feel like they are making all the effort, and the other person is just coming along for the ride. I sometimes find it hard to describe exactly what this means. In my opinion, a reciprocal relationship takes time and effort from both people.

When you want to spend time with someone, whether its someone you like, a friend, or even a family member, you are going to make effort to think up things to do together, times and places you can join together in a common interest activity to talk and have fun. Small as that may seem (just thinking up ideas and proposing them to the other person), it's still a show of effort, among other things that occur in any kind of relationship. Even in a conversation, one-sidedness can manifest. Conversations come to lulls sometimes, and when that happens you have to think fast to come up with something else to talk about to keep it going, because you enjoy talking to that person and you don't want to get to an awkward silence. Coming up with stuff to talk about is also a show of effort, small as THAT may seem.

Usually the cause of this seemingly apathetic role of a relationship is because one person is not as interested in spending time doing things with the other person. This can become a frustrating thing to realize in any kind of relationship and even more frustrating trying to deal with before just throwing your hands up and saying 'screw it, it's not worth it'. I think this is typically associated with emotionally charged relationships between two people who like each other, but can also occur in friendships and even family relationships (though I have no experience in the family area of it).

I had what I would call a one-sided relationship with a girl when I was 17 and it lasted almost a year and a half, and man, it was one of the most frustrating relationships I ever had. The thing that sucks about it is that even after you realize it's one-sided, you can't let go because you're already emotionally involved, it's not easy to detatch yourself enough to throw your hands up and say 'screw it'. I was in another one-sided relationship with a different girl, also when I was 17, but luckily that one didn't hold me as long. It's definitely a frustrating thing to deal with, and most recently I've had this same problem in friendships as well.

When I was 19 I started hanging out with a girl a lot and we became what I considered to be good friends. We probably would've gotten romantically involved but we never got the timing right, but still we remained friends for a long time. I genuinely believe that, for awhile, this girl actually wanted to spend time with me because she enjoyed my company, but as time went on I suspect she began to only want to hang out with me as an escape from the rest of her life, and because I treated her so well and would do things for her as favors. I did this, of course, because I thought we were really good friends. However, in retrospect, I don't think she ever did anything for me in almost the year and a half we were friends, not one favor, not one nice gesture, nothin'. Eventually as I began to realize it was one-sided, she moved off to college only about 45 minutes away, but I stopped making effort to get together with her and of course she never made any effort to start with so I haven't seen her in about a year. Sad really because I really did enjoy her company, but what can I say, one-sided friendships are as frustrating and destructive for you to participate in as one-sided relationships.

Mostly recently, there was this girl at school that I started talking to a lot, and started to like. After a few frustrating weeks of trying to interpret on and off signs that she liked me, I decided to come out with it and tell her I liked her, to which she did not return the sentiment. I wasn't bitter about it, I wasn't emotionally involved enough at that point to really be distraught over it, and that was kind of the idea, getting it out of the way before I dug myself deeper into it without knowing whether it was ever going to go anywhere. Anyways, she said she wanted to be friends still, and at first I thought she was genuine, but more and more I'm beginning to realize she was just saying it to be nice and really doesn't care one way or the other if we're friends or not. I don't doubt she enjoys my company, but she just doesn't care to make any effort to hang out. After that whole ordeal and her saying she wanted to be friends, I've invited her to a few things that I would normally invite friends to, a movie, lunch in the cafeteria a few times, coffee sometime, but I get nothin'. I mean I realize if she's busy she's busy, but if she wanted to hang out, she would suggest another time when she was available, but like I said, I get nothin'. She's the type of girl who's really fun and pretty and consequently people are attracted to her in droves, she has lots of friends and I don't suspect she's ever had to make any effort to make friends before in her life, let alone have to make effort to get involved with someone. Hence why she doesn't bother to be friends with me, and having said that, I don't think she's amazing enough to pursue a one-sided friendship just to enjoy her company. It's just frustrating because I want to just completely forget about her, but I still find myself wondering what she's up to, making myself available at work in case she comes by to talk to me, wanting to talk to her in class, clearly I must still be emotionally involved to some extent, and it sucks. Hopefully I can drive that away though.

It just makes me appreciate the people who really appreciate me as a friend, people that aren't so busy with all their other friends that they don't remember to stop by once in awhile and say 'hey Derek, whats up? I haven't talked to you in awhile'. It's just nice to have friends who care about you and want to talk and spend time with you, and THAT'S whats hard to find in a person. It don't doubt it would be hard to pursue a one-sided friendship or relationship, but finding someone who likes you as much as you like them, whether as friends or more, THAT'S whats really special, and hard to come by.
And that's whats I find to be occasionally frustrating about the point I'm at in my life now. Being the type of person that I am, where I only need 2-3 really good friends to be happy, if I start losing those friends to other people that come into their lives, I'm left still needing them but they no longer need me, and it's that reciprocal need that satisfies the equation, whether just as friends like in my case, or in a relationship. For lack of a better way to say it, I think all people need to feel needed by others. It's when you feel like no one really needs you that you start feeling alone, even if you know there's lots of people who enjoy your company, it's that feeling of being 'needed' that really does it. I guess that's what I sometimes feel I'm missing in my life now, I had those friends in high school who I felt needed me as much as I needed them, but they've since moved away or gotten married and/or distracted with other things.

So I dunno really what this post was supposed accomplish, I think I just wanted to express my frustrations at people who feign wanting to be friends but really don't care, or people who use you in a friendship or relationship but aren't emotionally involved, and to express my appreciation to my friends and my family who make me feel needed, thanks.